Hello excel, holy crap I’ve forgotten how to use you.

So I’ve managed to reschedule a few things since this weird pain thing came to me.

I have exploratory thingy magigy (I know, I know. I should stop using highly technical medical language, but they’ll be using a doohickie on me whats-it-called to find more thinga-ma-bobs. Damn, did it again) on Thursday as well as my interview. So I’ve scheduled for the interview for the morning and the hospital for the afternoon.

Anyways back to the main story. The interview.

So one of the main selection points for the role is proficiency with excel.

Excel was my bread and butter for about 2 years. I lived it, breathed it. I knew how to do pretty much anything on it, and if I didn’t know, I could fake it, or I could look up to see how to do it (and the most important thing) actually understand what the hell they were talking about. (Press “any” key to continue?? I don’t see an “any” key!! You know at least one person who’s done that, don’t you? DON’T YOU! ADMIT IT!)

But I haven’t used it in about 2.5 years. Well not to the level that I was using it. Mainly these days my job is less about data investigation, to more processing, which blows a big fat one. So in the intervening years my mind has kindly moved all of my excel knowledge into a storage facility in south western Siberia, to make room for stuff like how to adjust the clock on the microwave and how to get all my subscriptions in WordPress to send me an email if they put up a new post.

But it looks like I’m going to need it, so I’ve asked for it back. Unfortunately I do not speak Russian and all the other guy on the phone keeps saying is “sumasshedshiĭ” every time I call and ask for my excel knowledge back (those damn crazy Russians). While I await my excel knowledge’s return however I am stuck doing as all children do these days when they find something they need to ask someone about, speak to Oracle (aka Google) and ask my question (don’t you love it? nevermore will parents have to explain why men have nipples. Actually.. why do men have nipples oh mighty and powerful Google? *looks up google* OMG! Fer real? Whoa!). And upon searching “excel help”… tie my hair into pigtails and call me Daisy Mae, there is a whole lot I’ve forgotten.

It took me 15 minutes to work out why my VLOOKUP formula was giving me errors. And I was flumoxed at how I forgot to do variable formatting. And as for macros? Fuggedaboutit.

All in all to appear much smarter than I look (which isn’t all that difficult, just picture an orangutan in horn-rimmed glasses, he looks smarter than I do. Damn those apes with glasses! They get all the hot, nerdy chicks!), I am crazily going through excel tutorials on the web, going “how in the world did I forget to do this?” and “oh yeah… F4… of course” and admittedly… “Well you’ve been doing that the wrong way for years ya knob head!” (thats what she said! ba-doom ching).

Anyways I’m hoping boning up on this stuff will give me a little edge during the interview. It really is surprising how much you forget once you stop using that knowledge. Although… I’m pretty sure I can still dance…

*attempts to dance*

*hits head with own ankle*

Maybe not…

PS Yes I havent gotten to comments in a while, my bad… hospital and stuff. Will try and muddle my way through some time tonight 😛