Monthly Archives: January 2012

Hello random stuff Tuesday. Walk in room. See hot female friend. What do.

Well... that's depressing...

Okay the above was a slight drama queen moment, but let me draw you a formula.

There’s a Boy and a Girl.

When Boy met Girl, they like each other. Not only that, they also have an awesome time when they’re together. Both admit to this. With an absolute value for “both”.

But due to circumstances, both Boy and Girl have chosen to remain just friends. With a relative value for “both”.

Boy moves on. Girl Moves on.

Boy breaks up with another girl two months ago.

Girl breaks up with another boy two nights ago.

Girl messages Boy to meet up after work.

End up on Boy’s  couch, she is half naked while he gives her a massage.

Girl falls asleep due to awesome massage technique of Boy.

Boy falls asleep on top of Girl due to being tired after giving massage.

Boy wakes up middle of the night, finding Girl is hogging the couch.

Boy takes Girl to bedroom to sleep in bed.

Lots of “cuddling”.

Both Boy and Girl wake up in morning pretend nothing has happened.

Boy confused.

Girl is, always was and always will be an unknown vector.

Now, take all the above data and calculate to see if the statements below are true (you are able to submit multiple answers to this question)

a) Boy = Idiot

b) Boy = Rebound

c) Boy + Girl = Relationship, is the most valid probability matrix

d) Boy + Girl = Friendship, is the most valid probability matrix

e) Boy – Girl would give positive results



Stupid Things I Did As A Kid Sunday: The Pictorial Edition.


Nom Nom Nom... Get in mah belly

Which of course is no longer possible in this day and age.  Most parents will scream bloody murder if they see their baby being eaten by that thing. They’ll take it to the vet straight away. Back when I was a kid, if it could fit in your mouth it was meant to go into your mouth. From the stories my parents have told me these included: remote controls, car keys, money, other peoples tooth brushes, some buttons, wallets, and a cockroach.


And we called old people "guv'nor" as we rode our penny farthings...

Okay maybe it wasn’t war torn Britain, but damnit we still played on the street! Will kids these days ever understand that the youthful shout of “CAR!” meant that the game was paused and everyone moved to the side to let it through. Then the returning shout of “GAME ON!” meant that you go back to your positions. *sigh* I will only have children once time travel has been perfected.

And best of all… this:

Yes. Yes it was.

Saturday Shenanigans: I’m sorry for all those looking for sexy, you found an idiot instead.

A few other people have done this post, so I thought I’d join in.

With WordPress, you have the ability to see what terms people have entered into a search engine (not too sure if that’s for every search engine or just Google)    in order to find your blog. Well they probably weren’t looking for my blog considering the search terms that seem to be connected to my blog. I would also mention the other search terms, but I really don’t have the time… One of these days…

I mean I seem to have an infinite amount of variations for the search terms “bad girls club”, “sweatpants”, “ass”, “girls”, “sexy” and “tight” referring back to my blog. I mean really? Who are these females in the “bad girls club” and why do people keep searching for their buttocks clad in sweatpants?

Some examples of the infinite amounts of variations people seem to interpose those words into, yet seems to be pointing at my blog are:

“sydney bad girls club ass” (there are at least another four different combinations of these words! At least another 12 if you substitute “sydney” with “judy”)

“hot girl in sweatpants” (okay understandable I have “sweatpants” as my nom de plume)

“girls in tight sweats” 

“girls in tight sweatpants”

“hot moms in sweats” (no really, I kid you not. And I’m not saying I’m surprised that people are looking for some MILF action, but I’m surprised that a search engine has taken 23 people (or maybe one person 23 times) into this blog, for searching that term)

“you’ve been a bad girl!! you need to be punished!!:):)” (and I have included all exclamation marks and smiley faces as they appeared. Somehow the double smiley face at the end just makes it all the more creepy)

“boys magically turning into hot girls” (ummm what?????)

“white girls in sweats” (Do they have to be white? Cmonnn that’s a little racial..)

“guy with moustache in sweatpants” (does he have to have a moustache? Hang on… I don’t even think I have a picture of a guy in a moustache wearing sweatpants in this blog, how the hell did that get to me???)

“sexy 12 year olds wearing tight trousers” (ummm you really should be hunted down and killed… gross. But how does this link to my blog??? HOW????)

“girls with big but (sic) in sweats” (butT…as in the shortened version of butt(note the double T)ocks)

“fat ass in sweats” (I’m not sure if the person looking wanted a fat bottom in sweatpants or a fat person in sweatpants)

“hot girl sweating” (yes, we would all like one.)

“girls crotch” (Again. How???? HOW???? HOW is this linking to my blog!?!?!?!)

And seriously there are a helluva lot more, all along those lines. There are others of course. A disturbing one, is that on more than 81 different occasions, someone has searched for “short fat in debt with bad teeth” Eep! God I hope it’s no one I know in the real world.

But this post is about those sexual type of searches my blog seems to be rather found of collecting.

I would say about 70% of every search term on my list has the word “sweatpants” or “ass” or “girl” or “sexy” in it. And out of that 70%, over 2/3 have “sweatpants” listed as a search term.

I seem to be cornering the “sweatpants” search engine term market… MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Now if I were an industrious chap, I would take all these search terms and plug them into Google, and trawl through the voluminous amounts of results until I found the page in my blog that these search terms link to.

But I’m not.


Hello random stuff Tuesday – on second thought…

Futurama Fry FTW!

“On second thought…”

That phrase has always worried me.

It’s because I’m not restricted to just having second thoughts. I have third, fourth, fifth, ad nauseum thoughts. And I’m never sure which voice is the real me or which one is the voice that comes from my upbringing or which is the one that just trolls the other voices or which is the one that thinks what “society” (whatever that means) tells me I should think or which is the one that I think I should think, but I don’t really.


Welcome to my world.

Case in point. My life as it stands now. I think the best way to explain it would be to show the thoughts that ran through my head this lazy Sunday just past.

Original Cap’n: Laundry: done. Shopping: done. Clean up of house: Meh, it can wait. Plan for rest of the day: Watch a few episodes of Top Gear, play around on the PS3, waste some time on the internet, eat a whole bag of popcorn ALL by myself, go for a run or maybe the gym, cook dinner. Repeat 1,2 and 3 until bedtime, then read till I fall asleep. My life is awesome.

Second thought Cap’n: No. Your life is sad.

Original Cap’n: What? Nah man, it’s awesome. I do what I want, when I want. I’m not wasting money any more and I’m paying off my debt. I finally have a job that I like going to AND I’m good at. A woman at this point would just mess things up.

Second thought Cap’n: Ha! See! I didn’t mention women at all, but you had to justify your lonely existence by mentioning them. QED.

Original Cap’n: I only mentioned it cause I know that’s why you piped up. Hellloooo you’re inside my head. I know why you think these things!

Just-Wants-To-Chill Cap’n: *sigh*

Troll Cap’n: Leave him alone, he’s justifying being alone because he’s a social retard.

Second thought Cap’n (to Troll Cap’n): Pfft! He WISHES he was socially retarded. At least that would give him an excuse as to why he’ll be alone for the rest of his life, but he’s not! Well he’s not socially retarded, when he chooses not to be anyways.

Original Cap’n: Hmmmm. Maybe my distinct lack of motivation to socialise is a form of social retardation…

Second thought Cap’n: So you’re agreeing with the douche bag now???

Troll Cap’n: (starts humming We Are The Champion by Queen)

Original Cap’n: Well, doesn’t the fact that everything I have planned for my spare time in the forseeable future involves absolutely no significant social interaction with another human being, and I am glad of that fact, denote some sort of social ineptness?

Party Hard Cap’n: But how about the farewell for Collette? You had two girls ALL over you! You literally charmed the actual top of the dress off one of them. Not as good as charming her pants off, but you were pretty close.

Just-Wants-To-Chill Cap’n: *even louder sigh*

Second thought Cap’n: See. If you really don’t want to be with anyone why were you flirting with that girl at the party huh?

Original Cap’n: But I flirt with everyone! That doesn’t mean I want to go home with them!

Party Hard Cap’n: I call “bullshit”.

Original Cap’n: Okay maybe I did like one, but I don’t want a relationship!

Second thought Cap’n: Yes you do.

Party Hard Cap’n: Who said anything about a relationship? I’m sure she was open for a shag and a fond farewell.

Original Cap’n: Naaaahhhhh… wait a second. Really???

Troll Cap’n: LOL. What an idiot! How could you not tell?

Party Hard Cap’n: I agree with the douche-bag. How the hell could you not tell???

Original Cap’n: Maybe she was just being friendly!

Second thought Cap’n: Look dude, I don’t usually agree with these two, but in this case, yeah, I’m sure she was up for some love-em and leave-em action.

Troll Cap’n: Loooooooosssserrrrrrr!

Just-Wants-To-Chill Cap’n: Will all of you just shut up??? I’m trying to watch some television here!

Original Cap’n (to Blogger Cap’n): What do you think???

Blogger Cap’n: Me? I don’t think. I just post all these embarrassing thoughts you have in your head in a blog, so not only do the women you meet out in the real world think you’re odd, but all women on the internet will also think you’re odd.

Original Cap’n: Fuck.


Hello Monday… yes, inspire me please.

For the writer in every blogger... or is it for the blogger in every writer?

Hello goals for a fortnight Thursday: Results for Challenge #1 and New Goal

Okay I’m a day late. But screw it.

So how did I do on my goal for saving at least $237 into my savings account.

Well, I kicked it’s ass, called it names, pulled its pigtails, gave it an atomic wedgie and then made fun of it’s momma, by calling her so fat, her arse looks like two badly parked Volkswagens.

Current total in savings: $258.27!

If any one wants to make "boner" jokes... now would be the perfect opportunity...

Which means I managed to scrounge an extra $31.27 dollars rather than just the $10 I promised myself I would. I know it’s chump change, but the fact I managed to do it, maybe I can manage to do bigger things.

So my next goal for the fortnight: I have to exercise 8 days out of 14 this fortnight. But being already 2 days out of whack (I didn’t exercise yesterday, and tonight I have a drinking session for a farewell) this could be a long shot…


Hello stupid things I did as a kid Sunday. Young at heart edition: I got herpes AND gonorrhoea at the science museum!

NOTE: Don’t worry I have a perfectly good explanation for the above title of this blog post. Just keep reading and ignore the sudden urge to read this blog wearing a full body condom.

I am apparently one of those people who will never ever grow up, according to all my ex’s and my parents. They say I can become as much as a responsible adult as I could, but I would always be just some weird gadget/toy away from being a 6-year-old again.

Case in point; yesterday.

Yesterday a friend and I went to Questacon.

For those of you not in the know, Questacon is… well heaven on earth for geeky children of all ages. It one of those interactive science museum places where you can basically run around touching things, and making a nuisance of yourself.

It was my very first time.

Suffice to say, I did not act my age. I even got asked by the young lass at the counter if I had my student card with me to get a cheaper entry fee (bless her heart). Whether this was because I was goggling at all the whirring gizmo’s with the fascination that only a self-confessed science nerd could muster, or because I was on a high from the fifth can of red bull and ice cream and gummi bears I was trying to juggle as I paid my admission, or maybe because I was wearing the shit below and kept trying to manoeuvre myself so the arrow would be pointing at my friend.

But the MY shirt is black with white writing... but you get the gist

But although I was running around making a fool of myself it wasn’t until we got to the gift shop that my true childishness really shone, and why I can honestly say “I got herpes and gonorrhoea at  a science museum gift shop”.

You see they were selling these…

Aren't they awesome?!?! Unfortunately it doesn't show "The Clap" but top left does show you "Herpes"

Yes. Those are plush toys that are representations of various micro organisms. So awesome that awesome that does not even begin to describe the awesomeness of it. I didn’t even know they had these for sale. I wanted an air compression gun, but alas they were out of those. But strolling through the gift shop, I stumbled upon the large toy bin holding these things. I had no idea what they were, and on initial inspection they brought a wry chuckle. This was only because the plush toys on top of the pile were “malaria”, “ebola” “pneumonia” and “the black plague”, diseases mainly. It was only when me and my friend were  digging down through the pile did we hit pay dirt, and my true childish glee at the finding gross things funny come to fore. And when I say “we” I mean “me” cause she was busy looking at a cap with a little propeller on the top of it.

Okay while sorta cool... nowhere near as cool as a plush toy representation of gross diseases and infections

There were a couple of university gals going through the opposite side of the bin when I found it. The sunny ball of yellow that was herpes. I grabbed my friend on the arm shoved the herpes plush toy in her face and shouted “OH. MY. GOD. LOOK! IT’S HERPESSSSSSS!!” The university girls of course looked at me like I was insane. But the fact is if I don’t know you, I don’t really care what you think. So there I am, a 33-year-old man jumping up and down excited about a herpes toy.

Maybe those ex-girlfriends and my parents are right about the Peter Pan complex.

Anyways, my mate is aware of my propensity for the weird and bizarre, so she just looked at me in the exasperated way females whom I have friendships with look at me, while there I am holding up the plush toy, grinning like I’ve just discovered the unifying theory to meld quantum physics and general relativity. She slowly lowers my hand from the front of her face, and pats me gently on the arm. Mollified by her reaction I continue to trawl through the toy bin, aware that the university girls are looking at me like I’m going to attack them with the herpes toy. And that’s when I found “The Clap” (that’s gonorrhoea to you) . Giggling like a mad man I rush over to my friend and start yelling “Look! Look! I’ve got gonorrhoea too! Teeheeheehee” And again I receive that look and another pitying pat on the shoulder.

This is when I realise I may have embarrassed her enough for the day. While I have no shame, I realise my friends do, and when I come to my senses after geeking out like this I do try my best to damage control the situation.

But shouting “I’ve got herpes and gonorrhoea!” in a science museum full of children has no feasible way of mitigating damage already caused however. So I just brought her that cap with the propeller on it.

So there you have it… the story of how I got herpes and gonorrhoea at a science museum gift shop 🙂

AND if you’re lucky, you never know I could be giving you herpes and gonorrhoea some time in the near future *grin*

*** If you’re as strange as I am and find these microbe plush toys awesome, you can get them here.