Category Archives: Random Crap

Hello. And we’re back to our unregularly unscheduled program – “Blogging One Year On – Part 3 of 7″ or “where our hero’s heart get’s broken”

Well you can’t have a story without some romantic angle, cause apparently according to 83% of statistics about statistics, 64% of women like that stuff.

Kill me if you will, but the truth shall make you fret!

So romance… *chirrups of crickets echo in the background*

Right… give me a second….


This being a postmodern tale, the happiness and well being of the character is not to be expected nor wanted by the audience. And a happy, untroubled love life? Fuggedaboutit. Which really only goes to say that post-modern audiences like to be dicks to their literary characters. But one must go with the times.

So in the middle of the training montage as Eye of the Tiger blares in the background. There she walks in, already bad news you can tell, as a slew of ninja lemmings throw themselves off a handy cliff in their efforts to gain her attention. But being ninja’s they merely, bounced off the pointy rocks below the cliff face and clambered up it, to once again gaze longingly at her as she sashayed past them. So to those who would sic the animal rights people on me, back! Back! Back, I say!

Glimmering blue eyes, something about having a pretty face, insert your own description of a killer bod, throw in some wit and a sense of humour, mix generously with some sexy, sexy brains, and thus you have the recipe for a vixen which I have little to no defense against. What straight male human being could withstand such weapons of mass attraction?

And thus I was bombed clear out of my skull, the blast throwing me into the morbidly obese arms of Cupid.

But alas, the beautiful lass was a spy for the samurai mole rats, and was only seducing me, with her mixture of intelligence, charm, wit, beauty and some sort of pheromone based perfume, to lead me and my comrade in arms in to a trap, wherein flaming meatballs would shower us with death.

The hussy.

Now let us exit the world of truth, stylised violence and in appropriately short attire for women (yes that is a very, very obscure reference to Suckerpunch), and enter the world of insanity, self-discovery and reality.

Things I learnt from blogging – Part 4.

I’m odd. Weird. Strange. Quirky. Eccentric. Actually, scratch eccentric, I’m no where rich enough to be eccentric. Now I know some of you, in your misguided way, are thinking that weird can be kinda cool. But as me and Girl 1 discovered after some debate on the matter, there are various kinds of weirdness. What you’re thinking about is the first type, the alpha, or “cool-weird”. The person who probably best defines this, is this man:

cool-weird /ko͞ol-wee-rd/
Adjective: strange, but hypnotically and alluringly so.

That’s cool-weird.

Then there’s my type. The betas. Or “awkward-weird”. Now there are of course as with everything various levels of being awkward-weird. At one end of the spectrum you have the mouth-breathers at one end, the end farthest from humanity. You know the type, loud heavy breathing and an unblinking stare , and uncomfortable (for you) movements of the hand in his trouser pocket, as he stares at a point directly 2 inches above or below your navel, depending on his mood.

Ahhh Milton. How much do I adore thee?

And at the other end, those who have accepted their strangeness, but just don’t have the panache (or desire) to be lovingly accepted for their oddity, but they are cool in their own non-socially acceptable way. The Steve Buscemi’s of the world in fact.

Adjective: see picture above.

I fall somewhere in the middle. Quirky enough that if I act exactly how I wanted all the time, I’d probably be in a nut house, but not fully embracing my weirdness so I don’t act exactly how I want to all the time. I walk the tight rope of normal appearances and my true oddball behaviour. Releasing soft puffs of strangeness when I feel safe enough that the people around me won’t burn me at the stake for those comments and/or actions. Kinda like when you let our those silent farts in meetings that you aren’t able to just get out of (you’ve done them I know you have! haven’t you? aahh crap… am I the only one??).


Final Note: Is it a coincidence that all these weird people are wearing glasses? Wait…. Steve Buscemi isn’t wearing glasses… he just looks like he is. Ignore this comment.


Hello “The Dark Knight Rises” or “Blogging One Year On – Intermission”

…………………….Let’s all go to the lobby!

…………………………………………………………..Let’s all go to the lobby!

…………………………….Let’s all go to the lobby!

…………………………………………………………………………Let’s all go to the lobby!

And buy over priced confectionery for consumption during the film, because the subliminal messages during the previews told us to.

La la laaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

Just a little break from the fast-paced, heart-thumping, jaw-dropping, mouth-watering, muscle-flexing, and a-lot-of-other-hyphenated-adjective-phrases-ending-with-“-ing”, tale of ninja lemmings, samurai mole rats and homosexual robots. Oh and the unicorns. We must never forget about the unicorns.

I’m sitting in a bar as I finish this off on my iPad. Yes I realise that makes me look a bit like a douche, but screw it. Being in my 30’s I’m old enough not to give a rats arse about what anyone thinks of me as I make my way, grumbling at you young’uns and heckling the older folks, towards the blessed land of Grumpy Old Men.

I’m here because Girl B (whose tale is laid out here) is back in my neck of the country, and has arranged for her and myself AND Girl A (whose tale is also told in the above link) to have a drink.

That’s right.

The 2 girls who I have been interested in the past 18 months have taken it upon themselves to arrange drinks for the three us.


In the same bar.


At the same time.

Did I mention we were all going to be together?

Now this is an accident waiting to happen.

Welcome to my life folks. 🙂

It was actually going to be a surprise for me. Girl B had contacted me and arranged for the two of us to get together, but I scored free tickets to the state premier of The Dark Knight Rises. Yup folks you read that right. I shall be watching the new Batman movie a full day before it goes out on release in Australia, and a full two days before the rest of the world. MUAHAAHAAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHA!

Awesome is somehow not enough to describe this….

Anyways, enough of me bragging and rubbing the amazingness of this moment in your faces. Let’s get back to the imminent disaster waiting to happen, cause that’s a lot more entertaining for you folks. Sadistic bastards the lot of you. 🙂 Much love.

So the get together between the three of us was going to be a surprise, but I called Girl B to see if she could also make it to the movie. That’s when she let the cat out of the bag that Girl A was also supposed to join us. This had me scrambling for yet another free ticket. Which of course I found cause I am awesome. So now the three of us will be going for drinks, then attending a premiere of maybe one of the most awesome movie trilogy’s ever made.

And to answer your question, no I don’t think anything is going to happen with either of them, and I don’t want anything to happen either. My guess, this whole meeting up they’ve arranged is just to cement the whole issue that both of them would like to remain friends with me and nothing else. And that’s plenty fine with me. With this whole year of blogging series that I’m making up as I go along writing about, I’ve come to the conclusion that this is all for the best.

And to answer your second question yes I shall be doing a review of the movie, and I will make the utmost attempt to not include spoilers but just as a warning if you do not want to be pre-mind-blown skip over tomorrows post.

So here comes the first of them, so (and this is so highly appropriate right now)…

I’ll catch you again folks, same bat-time, same bat-channel.

Hello, these aren’t the droids you’re looking for – “Blogging One Year On – Part 2 of 7”

Wait, I hear you say, pondering, as we sit side by side on the couch, cups of coffee in hand. You made mine a little too sweet, and its making my teeth ache, but what the hell. A caffeine AND a sugar rush.

“Wasn’t this story about ninja lemmings and samurai mole rats? How did droids get into this? They’re in a completely different time line and genre…”

I scoff at your attempts at making my tale consistent.

PFFT! <– *me scoffing at you*

And as with any story so ridiculously implausible that it HAS to be the truth, there’s an answer to your question.

Time travelling droids. Well not on purpose, but they got caught in a wormhole after they used an escape pod after their ship was boarded by these dudes in completely impractical white uniforms. Seriously, white? On soldier dudes? As if there wouldn’t be a penis drawn on the back of someones helmet the minute they were issued…

If a male robot likes to love another male robot who am I to judge? The short one is a smart arse though…

Anyway, those droids joined me on the unicorn, but they weren’t the droids we were looking for so we tossed them off the side just as the guitar solo came on.They ended up on some desert world and did some stuff. I think there was a movie. Which goes to show you that this must be the truth since, the droids contributed nothing to the story, and one of the lessons we learn growing up, is that just because you want someone to play a particular part in your story doesn’t mean that they will.

And now for the version of events that happened for those of you still stuck in the Matrix.

Things I learnt after a year of blogging – Relationships.

Reading through my disastrous attempts at relationshipping the past year, I have come to one conclusion which I’ve probably have come to before, and if so then please change that previous line to “I have reinforced a previous conclusion”. And that is I suck at relationships. Friendships are fine, hell I’m awesome at those. Don’t ask me why I suck at romantic relationships, I haven’t delved that deeply into that broken and shattered aspect of my personality, sparkling like an insane disco ball in the nether regions of my soul. I just suck.

But I’m fine with that.

Because another thing I’ve discovered from reading a years worth of angst ridden yearnings (well okay there’s not THAT many) is that I’m a helluva lot happier when I’m happy being single than when I’m happy being a couple. It’s like being in a relationship (and being happy within that relationship) is like having pizza. BUT! being single AND being happy about being single is like having pizza, beer, a lazy Sunday afternoon and the entire series of Firefly on a big TV screen.


Hello and greetings from Nerdvana


Ahoy muchachorino’s.

I have returned. Captain-er and Sweatpantsier than ever.

True story.

Let’s be honest the last few posts before I took that little break were a mite depressing. Gone were the shameful and ridiculous references to boobs, pole dancing rabbits, puppies and all other things awesome. Instead you were lambasted with self-pitying prose (badly written self-pitying prose I might add) and annoying complaints of my inability to string words into a sentence.

But to that I say “nooooooooooo!” smashes glass and model ships with his phaser I will not sacrifice this blog. We’ve made too many compromises already; too many retreats. Depression invades this space and we fall back. Depression takes over our entire world and we fall back. Not again. The line must be drawn here! This far, no further!”


Sorry about that I’ve been getting nerdier over the past couple of weeks and that quote basically reinforces that (special brownie points to the uber-nerd who can ntell me where that paraphrased quotes from, and we’re on the honour system here folks. No google cheating.)

As you probably have surmised my disappearance and my lack of meaningful post was due to a bout of depression. I really thought I had that whole issue licked, but I guess not. It took me a couple of weeks to realise that I had fallen into that trap again, but once I did, I drew on 10 years of managing depression to snap myself out it. And it worked, I’m not sure if it was merely acknowledging that I had depression again, or the weird and whacky ways I did to snap myself out of that funk, but snap I did.

This little Stella got his groove back (giggity) and ready to once again make your mind seem a little less crazy in comparison to mine.

Fer instance.

I mentioned that I’ve been nerding it up the past couple of weeks. That doesn’t even begin to cover it. I am now so far up the Nerd God’s butt I can see sunlight. My nerdhood has become so all mighty and powerful that frankly that might be the last nail in the coffin that holds the corpse of the hope that I will have intercourse with a female ever again. The aura of nerdity surrounds me like a miasma of girl repellant. I am now so nerdy that I actually believe that my virginity has been restored. That’s right folks, you heard right. I have been re-hymenated. 😉

Now what could I possibly have done to get so über-nerd? Simply, I bought an iPad. Pssshaw I hear you scoff, how is that nerdy? Well, because of the number of apps available, the cheapness of said apps and the ease of being able to search and download anything I want, I am now able to gloriously wallow in all the nerdiest of hobbies that I secretly love, behind a thin veneer of socially acceptable Apple geek hood.

Magic: The Gathering : deal me in

Dungeons & Dragons Character Sheet : roll the dice

Nerdcode: nerdgasm!

Star Trek PADD : make it so


And god there are so much more, the only thing really stopping me is not the time to actually search for more, because I’m too busy playing around with the ones I already have.


So if anyone has any more suggestions on how I can further nerdify and re-hymenate myself with iPad apps please feel free to do so!

Until next time muchachorino’s!


Hello… umm… err…ahhh… PUUUUDDDDIIIIINGGGGG!

That is all.

Hello writer’s block: day 14.

I don’t even have words today.







Of A.


Hello writers block: Day 13 *snarglefargleghrrrkfngh*

That is the sound the inside of my brain is making because of its inability to express itself with anything resembling eloquent verisimilitude.


Alrighty, scraping the bottom of the barrel here…

The wonders of WordPress Stats page. Seriously, it’s awesome. I’ve just discovered a function that WordPress has wonderfully provided us that has made me a needy and emotional wreck.

The “Top Views By Country for All Days Ending 2012-05-30 (SUMMARIZED)” page.

If you scroll down the very bottom, you get a map that looks like this.

There are countries in the world that have yet to be “Sweatpants’ed”?? I’m outraged!

Essentially, any country in grey is a country where not one single person has visited your site. Not a one.

Apparently no one in China is the least bit interested about the debt levels of a middle class male in Australia. Go figure.

Apparently, if you open your empty left hand, see that empty space right above your hand, that is the number of fucks Turkmenistanians give about my love life, or lack thereof.

Apparently Greenlanders, have absolutely no inclination to read about the misadventures of fat, short antipodean blogger, who currently is struggling with writer’s block.

And the list goes on…

Mongolia. North Korea. Iran. Afghanistan. Uzbekistan. Cuba. Egypt. Sudan. Chad.


Okay I probably have no hope in getting hits from Uzbekistan or Turkmenistan or any of those places. But Greenland?  Cmon! Greenlanders are like other Europeans right? Surely some of them use Google and do searches for “boobs” (which to their dismay directs them to a post in this blog, which currently stands at 1,633 hits) right?

So Greenlanders.

I’m targeting your country to be sweatpantsed.

You have been warned.

Resistance is futile.