Monthly Archives: April 2012

Hello man-boobs! Goodbye man-boobs!

One of the things I forget to mention in the roundup was the fact I have once again started up at the gym, after 3 months of absence due to getting meningitis. In the three months since I was last training hard, I lost a LOT of muscle mass. A LOT. And replaced it with floppily doppily bits of flabulousness.

However, even in the four weeks since I’ve started training hard again I’ve noticed a significant change in my body composition. I no longer slouch, I can walk further without being slathered in sweat, and items of clothing are no longer uncomfortably tight around the midsection.

So below is a list of the afflictions I suffer, and am striving to get rid of through religious attendance at the gym.

The Sweating Malady

Yup... damn sexy.

One of the things you discover when you get unfit is that you sweat doing the most innocuous things. Walking to the shops. Sitting on the sofa. Lying in bed. Thinking. Blinking your eyes. Whatever, all those things had me bathed in a pool of my bodies own fetid liquid secreted from my skin pores (if anyone was reading this while they were eating… *suppressed laughter* sucks to be you!). But after 1 month I find I can run for about 20 minutes at a pace of about 10kph (about 6mph) before drowning from the product of my sweat glands. When I started up again I could barely do half that speed and half that time without collapsing and clutching my chest in agony.

The Dreaded Man-Boobs

Even sexier! Hold on to your orgasms ladies...

Ahhh man boobs. Nothing is more scary than having a bosom larger than your partners. And while I’m nowhere near a C-cup, I’m pretty sure I could’ve filled a modest B-cup even just a few weeks back. But after 4 weeks of weight training and cardio, the man boobs are gone. Another 2 months and I can upgrade from man-boob – to flat-chested and then onto pigeon chested. Woo!

The Curse of the Chicken-Legs

Finger lickin' goodness 😛

When your legs are so skinny it seems like you’ve somehow found a way to defy gravity cause you are able to remain upright and standing. Okay admittedly my legs aren’t really that bad. My thighs do have a fair bit of meat on them, although my calves could use more definition, it’s not really something that has to be addressed right this minute.

The Sadness of Spindly Arms

I know you're all turned on now...

My biceps and triceps are fine, however my deltoids (the shoulders) and forearms are a little on the weak side. While forearms are notoriously difficult to build up, shoulders are already showing signs of improvement in the 4 weeks.

The Nauseating No-Butt

This is really hard for me to judge since that area of my body isn’t what you would call visually accessible, nor do I stare at other mens butt’s enough that I actually have some sort of baseline which to aim for, so I’d like to think I have a bit of junk in the trunk, but who knows?

The Bulging Beer Gut/Keg

I really should've warned everyone about the total and utter sexiness of the photos I've put into this post...

My nemesis. My arch-enemy. The Voldemort to my Harry Potter. The Sauron to my Frodo. The Green Lantern movie to my sense of all that is good in the world. While all other elements of my body (even in my 30’s) respond well to exercise, the gut is a stubborn mule, heehawing at my attempts to lessen its girth with mocking callousness. For those of you in your 20’s, enjoy all your metabolism while you can! Trust me, once it slows down you’ll miss it like the cold blue taste of that very first cigarette in the morning (yup, 1 week and still smoke free… not that I’m counting :P). After 1 month I really can’t notice any sort of improvement. *sigh* Maybe in 2 months…

The Stairs Conundrum

What the stairs to my apartment felt like...

Stairs, another bane of my existence. Prior to recommencing my training walking up the 6 flights of stairs to my apartment was a daily struggle. There was a point at one stage I had to stop half way for a quick rest before continuing by trek up Mt Kill-a-man-because-he-lives-in-an-apartment-without-elevators-jaro (yes… that was a geography joke. Uber-nerd’s are go!). Now I can pretty much sprint up those stairs and only be slightly winded up the top. The goal is to be able to walk up and down without even noticing.

Stay tuned kiddies.

Hmmm maybe I should join the #pfworkout Blonde is always talking about…


Hello long-distance relationships (aka destroyer of budgets)

Destroyer of budgets. Killer of cash-flow. Slayer of savings.

Or is it?

Case in point, myself and Girl B (I really need a new name for her) decided that we would meet in June. But since we’re both horny as rabbits, we’re both so horny that we may be in danger of using various pastry goods for sexual relief (ala American Pie), we miss each other a lot, we’ve decided to try and squeeze in a May meeting. The cost of doing so was enough to give me a little pause (but only a little cause damnit I miss the woman!).

If your brain can't recall exactly what I mean when I referenced "American Pie"... on the right hand side is a delightful little image that should scar you for the rest of your life 🙂

And so an idea for this post entered my head.

What’s more expensive: long distance relationships or “normal” relationships?

My last “normal” relationship ended roughly 6 months ago. And it lasted a little over a year. So therefore my remembrance of the honeymoon period for that particular relationship is a little sketchy (memory like that thingy… swims in water… kinda orange in colour but we refer to it as “gold”… them things). All I know is I spent an inordinate amount of money over that 1 – 2 month period. And on reflection seems to be something that occurs within every “normal” relationship of mine.

My last long distance relationship was about 3 years ago, and I’ve completely forgotten the costs associated with being in one. While the times which you’re actually spending money is fewer whilst in a “normal” relationship, i.e. face-to-face contact dates happen only about every 4 to 6 weeks, the amount you’re spending to logistically make these dates happen feels like a massive hit on the ol’ budget.

So lets all put our budget nerd hats on people, and get this sorted out once and for all.

For the 5-day extravaganza long distance.

  • Flights : $900
  • Car Hire: $200
  • Two (really nice) Restaurant Dates: $200 – $300
  • Other expenses: $100 – $200

TOTAL COST: $1400 – $1600


Note: I have not included what most people would think would be the everyday costs involved with a long distance relationship, notably phone bills and internet bills. This is because my phone plan allows me to talk to any mobile for as long as I want and send as many texts that I want for a flat $65 a month. And my internet bill is also a fixed amount I would have spent over the course of the month anyway, whether or not I was in this relationship or not.

For a normal “honeymoon period” relationship (lets say over a 4 week period for ease of calculation)

  • Ten (10) dates (assuming a date night occurs every Friday and Saturday over the 4 week period, with a couple of Sunday Brunches thrown in): $50 – $200 x 10 = $1000 – $2000 (I’ve included a larger variance in pricing due to the fact that since you’re seeing each other every weekend, going out to a fancy schmancy restaurant can’t be on the books all the time)
  •  Taxi (from the centre of the city to my place is about $20 one-way): $400
  • Female friendly food in pantry (an extra $50 per week): $200
  • Other expenses: $200 – $300

TOTAL COST: $1800 – $2900

AVERAGE COST EACH DAY: $64.29 – $103.57

As you can see, there is a complete blow out on per-day costs when it comes to long distance relationships. However in doing the above math, it is also clear that if we only meet each other once a month, I come out at the very least $200 better off in a long term relationship (if we use the highest total for the “5 day extravaganza” and the lowest total for “normal”).

Let’s take the worst possible scenario in regards to money spent in each instance and take across a three month period, if we assume that in long distance relationship we meet in person once a month.

Long Distance Relationship = $1600 x 3 = $4800

Normal Relationship (during honeymoon phase) = $2900 x 3 = $8700

Taken over a quarterly period you can see that long distance relationships come to almost half the cost of a normal relationship. While of course that $4800 I may spend is still going to hurt my budget, it’s not going to completely knee it in the balls a leave it lying groaning in agony like the $8700 I may spend on a normal relationship.

So, in conclusion, if you want to be in a relationship yet still maintain a semblance of a budget, long distance relationships are the way to go!

Editors note: Please when reading this take into account my current total bias towards long distance relationships 😛 And seriously, if you’re following any advice you see on this blog, you may need to seek some professional help. Which I’ve just realised is also advice, so please feel free to ignore that too. And that last bit. And this bit. And… aahhh just stop reading.

Hello. Round-up, round-up, gather around for a round-up!

Righto, yes I know I have been completely slack with posting lately, and while things in my life have all kinda sped up recently, I shouldn’t ignore this blog since its this blog that let me get to this point of awesomeness (yes, believe it or not kids, your ol’ Uncle Sweatpants was at one time not the effervescent font of amazingness that he is now :P).

So if any of you are really truly miffed, please take up a paddle while I assume the position

If you don't know what that's for... internet more, you'll find a video clip that will feature it eventually 😛


Okay now that I’ve covered my quota of slightly smutty commentaries on this blog, time for the roundup. Sorry it HAS to be in summary and point form cause well, this post will just get ridiculously long if I covered everything in normal detail.

– Girl B (I really should make up a new nickname for her… “Girl B” sounds like she’s some sort of  back up female, let me think on that) and I are now official, she’s changed her status on Facebook (cause you know nothing’s real unless it’s on Facebook… goddamn Gen Y’ers). Freaked me out a little, but after a little bit of thinking, it was kinda nice. We’re trying to work out a way to see each other again before the July Date. Stay tuned.

– I found out the ex was cheating on me while we were together. Not mad about it, but God I hope she used protection.

– I can now play about 30 seconds worth of Use Somebody, beyond that my fingers get all tangled up with each other. Yes I’m still much enamoured with Vera (for anyone new, Vera is the name of my guitar). But I’m not really sure where to go from here, if any musicians have any advice on what songs to learn or fingering exercises (*snicker* “fingering” *more snickering*) that would be a real help.

– I have quit smoking. And yes I know I’ve attempted this before (and failed miserably) but this time I’ve decided to do everything in my power to quit. I bought me a pack of nicotine patches and lozenges.  As I type this I have gone 47 hours without a cigarette. WOO!

– I have decided to apply for the position I posted about earlier. Actually I should be working on that instead of this entry, soooooo… Laters!

Hello being totally and utterly too lazy to write a blog entry, so therefore I’m cheating.

Holy Blog Of Doom, Batman! I just got hit on the head and recalled that I have not updated this since people stopped clapping and Tinkerbell died… You would not believe the fairy dust I have to clean up. Apologies to my regular readers! Even the little blue ones!.

I am tied up with silk ropes, hoping you haven’t found other blogs, just generally being a terrible burden to anyone unfortunate to cross my path, my day seems to be a litany of stuff and giggles from the second star on the right, straight on to I see my darling’s 10000 text messages. I am beyond drunk most of the time. life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re going to get.

I will try to remember I promised you I will make more of an effort to blog more often until the nice men in the white coats come back. Until I need your shoulder to cry on. Assuming I don’t get distracted by counting my chest hairs..


The above post was generated here.

If you’re feeling just as lazy as I am in regards to writing up a post, go on, treat yourself to a day off… or 11.

But seriously though, I’ll try for an actual post tomorrow.

Hello alternative post, cause I’m having trouble scanning…

I had a post all ready to go about the treasures of coming home… but alas I’m having issues with scanning the sketches into a format that I can upload.

I’ll try to sort them out, but for now here’s a short little entry:

Blue skies.

They evoke different things for different people. For some it’s a hot and lazy summer day, when your clothing sticks to you in weird and unusual ways. For others it may be a brisk autumn day, the foliage of the trees shouting in beautiful contrast against the heavens. Or maybe to you it’s a wonderful spring afternoon, the sun shining, showering the earth with its unconditional love and life-giving light. Possibly even it may be a starkly cold winter morning, quiet and peaceful, snow blanketing the world in a shroud of coolness, hiding the harsh straight lines of our civilisation with the soft contours of unyielding nature.

To me “blue skies” always brings out one memory.

Madrid. The summer of 2003 (I think).

Brilliant blue, stretched from horizon to horizon. Unmarred by the white solemnity of clouds, or even the ugly haze of pollution. This was the sky our homo erectus ancestors must’ve seen.

Now, you might shrug and say to yourself “I can see that any time I look out the window… what’s so special about it?”

I’ll tell you something.

Not all skies are equal.

Well okay, I’m not too sure about everywhere else, but here in Australia, looking up really is different.

While we may have brilliant blue skies overhead, the blue lightens progressively as you reach the horizon. So while overhead, it could be a brilliant azure, near the horizon it’s almost white with only a faint echo of the blue it once was.

I have no idea what causes this, and if some sciencey girl or guy has any idea, please feel free to provide an explanation. (I’ve already discounted light pollution as this happens during the daytime and I’ve noticed the effect even from 2 hours drive away from any major city centres).

Or maybe I’m just remembering it wrong.

Maybe Madrid has the same skies as Canberra. Maybe Canberra skies look exactly like the skies over Toronto or London or Beijing.

I’d like to think I didn’t just imagine it though.

I’d like to think that there are these special places in the world, that you have to go and see. Maybe it’s not the sky that’s different. Maybe the water is wondrously, blindingly clear. Maybe the animals are decidedly unafraid. Maybe the roses are as big as your head. Whatever. And these places are so special that no amount of flowery words and purple prose should ever give you the feeling that you’ve been there yourself, they should make you want to go to visit them and experience them in your own way, nothing more.

And these special places exist for the sole reason that, once you discover them, they colour every other moment in your life. They change how you view the world. They change your reality.




That memory of that summer in Madrid, staring up at the blindingly blue firmament, wondering why and how that beautiful tint could possibly exist, changed me. I’m always looking up on clear days, trying to catch a glimpse of that hue, just one more time.

Trying to find that perfection of colour.

Trying to find a shade too beautiful for simple words to give it justice.

Trying to find, those brilliant blue skies.

Hello dating… ummm… *mumbling* fine, I’m back… ish.

For all you peeps slavering at the thought of reading about another disastrous installment of my love life, back I say! Back!

You. Shall. Not. Pass!

Take That Balrogs!


So what I’m saying is that you won’t find a disastrous date story here.

What you will find is ALL the ingredients for what could possibly be the final straw  in regards to dating, and then my inevitable entry into the priesthood, then of course, since I will no longer be obsessed with boobs and sex and stuff I’ll be nice to everyone, my beatification to sainthood. So 100 years from now when our robot masters are crushing us under their metallic heel, you can pray on Saint Sweatpants… patron saint of the loving music yet sucking at it, the terminally single and puppies. Not that I can do much to help you against the robots though.

In a previous post I wrote about the bi-girls (another post celebrating my idiocy in regards to the dating world btw, for those of you who really, really need another installment), Girl A and Girl B.

Girl A is still a mystery, wrapped in a riddle, wrapped in a conundrum. Even just being friends with her is a trial. Weeks can go by without any response on her end (and it’s not like I’ll bombard her with texts or calls. I’ll text her once, maybe twice, and then leave it), then out of the blue she’ll text/call me and we’ll spend a week chatting everyday for hours. And then, for no reason I can discern, contact stops. Rinse and repeat.

Girl B and myself on the other hand have gotten very close in the past couple of weeks. The chemistry is there, the physical attraction is there, we’re both single. We’re both at a point in our lives when the prospect of a long-term monogamous relationship will not send us running for the hills.

Perfect you might think?

Well once again the universe dangles perfection in front of me, and yanks it away just as I’m about to grasp it.

She lives way on the other side of the country.

Yup, pretty much as far as you can get...

And she has no intention on moving back here to the eastern side of the country for at least another 2 years. If ever. Her forays over to the eastern seaboard, are really only during the Christmas period to see family (which is when we first banged into each other).

And I have no intention of moving to her neck of the woods, because for the first time in a very long time, I’m very happy with my career prospects, despite the fact that my contract may not be extended. My skill sets are in heavy demand, there are at least 20 different departments advertising for my role at my current level, and each of those departments are offering multiple roles. Couple that with my experience, and my ability to bullshit talk well during interviews I don’t think I’d have any trouble landing another job.

We’ve both outlined to each other that we believe long-distance relationships just cannot work (with our relative personalities) and it’s just not economically feasible for either of us to fly back and forth to see each other on a regular basis (return flights are a shade under $2000).

We both know all of the above. And have thus laid out the boundaries, marked the borders and highlighted the lines which we really should not be crossing.

So what are we doing?

Boundaries have been ignored, borders transgressed, and as for the line… pfft… we’ve crossed the line so far that the line is a dot to us.

Dates have been set for a rendezvous over on her side of the country, and another for her to come to mine.

And I can hear you facepalming me, going “Why be all pessimistic for? Just give it a go! Who know’s what will happen?”

Ahhh, to be a romantic again.

But seriously, this isn’t pessimism, just plain ol’ realism.

This has 1 in a bajillion trillion million thousand billion (a number my 3 year old niece taught me, which apparently encompasses all numbers after 30) chance of panning out.

But here I am, metaphorically holding my lottery ticket in hand, hoping against all odds that this could work out.


Maybe I’m still a romantic after all…

Hello, I’m wearing nothing but boxers as I write this, and a couple of other things I’m sure you’d rather not know. P.S. if you are easily insulted stop reading … now. I said stop.


There’s nothing between you and me, but a thin slice of cotton-ish material, my monitor, the cable that connects that monitor to the desktop, the couple of metres between the desktop and the wireless router, the thousands of miles of data cabling and computers that make up the internet, the firewalls of your internet service provider, the cables that connect your internet service providers system to the wireless connection nodes, the variable distance between that connection node and your own wireless router, the virus protection program you use, and the hard plastic covering of your laptop.

Yeah, baby!

Do I? Do I Rhaaaeeeaaalllayy?

Kinky I know, but that’s what you get for subscribing 😛

Crap, I forgot about the keyboard.

Oh well.

Today is first day of the Easter long weekend down here in Australia. Which means of course it’s a public holiday (which is the reason I’ve only been wearing boxers the whole day). Monday is also a public holiday so that means it’s a 4 day weekend! WOO!

Now for a historical lesson. The reason we have Easter Eggs is because traditionally in Roman times, they were thrown into the octagonal cage to the fighting gladiators, for the fans to show their support, and also to give them something to nibble on between rounds. Why chocolate eggs and not normal eggs? Well that’s because the Roman’s thought that “egg” came before the “chicken” and was therefore not to be eaten, since if you eat all the eggs, where would chickens come from? So Caesar Colonel Sanders (the guy on the bucket), forbade the eating of real eggs and then found the semi-religious order of the Kentucky Fried Chickeners, which was charged with the cooking of chickens with 11 different types of herbs and spices, and eating them. Which resulted in the chicken becoming extinct in most of mainland Europe, which is why the French eat frogs and snails instead. But why an Easter “Bunny”? Well that’s because when all the chickens died out in Europe, the Romans (being the clever people that they were) used rabbits to incubate the eggs. But where did the eggs come from if all the chickens had died out?? Well, duh, time travel of course, which was perfected by eminent Roman natural philosopher Martynius McFlyus. Seriously what do they teach you kids in school these days??

The reasons chickens hatched, and maybe also why they crossed the road.

True story.


Now due to the long weekend (because it’s Easter – see above), I’ve had the apartment all to myself because the flatmate is interstate, whilst I’m only going back to Sydney to visit the parentals tomorrow morning.

So this morning, me and Vera had our very first turn-the-amp-all-the-way-to-11 session! If my neighbours are reading this, I am so very, very sorry.

I think I wrote somewhere in one of the comments (apologies, I forget which one) that I was learning Use Somebody – Kings of Leon.

Not the whole song of course, but just the melody bit.

I finally got the strumming pattern down, and while what’s coming out of Vera is not yet what you would call a “rendition” or an “interpretation” hell I wouldn’t even call it “something-my-3-year-old-niece-did-and-its-cute-in-that-kid-has-no-idea-what-she’s-doing” kind-of-way, but I can actually hear the song there, struggling to escape from my sausage fingered fretting. So perseverance! After a couple more hours, I’m finally getting my fingers in the right positions when playing C chord that the top E and G strings aren’t muffled by the pads of my fingers, at least 50% of the time. I’m still struggling with F, but I’ll get there.

Eventually 🙂

Now…. for the fallout…

So…. with this post I’ve either insulted or alienated the following:

– people who don’t like quasi-naked guys talking to them over the internet

– people who dislike it when other people ignore keyboards

– anyone who likes chocolate

– the Romans

– Colonel Sanders and his descendants

– people who work/used to work/contemplating working for KFC

– all of mainland Europe

– But mostly the French

– the producers and directors of the Back 2 the Future Trilogy

– Alex P. Keaton (a.k.a. Michael J. Fox)

– Michael J. Fox (again) for referring to him as a TV character that is 20 years old rather than to any of a number of great characters he’s played since then.

– My next door neighbours

– Fans of Kings of Leon

– Kings of Leon themselves

– and my 3-year old niece

If you don’t fall under any of those categories please leave a comment below, as to exactly what you would like me to say to alienate you, and I shall endeavour to include it into a following post. 🙂

So, see you all in a couple of days and have a Happy Easter everyo-

Oh wait, if you don’t celebrate Easter, happy long weeke-

Oh wait, if you’re not having a long weekend, happy Frid-

Oh wait, it’s not Friday yet for some of you… GAH!

Screw it.

Happy May-you-have-great-sex-at some-point-in-the-near-future-if-you-wish-to-have-it-and-if you-do-not-wish-to-have-it-may-you-participate-in-some-other-activity-that-brings-you-joy-also-within-the-near-future Day!