I currently have 27 posts in “Draft”.
And frankly I don’t think any of them should see the light of day.
I’ve found in the few months I’ve been keeping this blog that my writing style, is simply an extension of my personality.
My writing comes in spurts and bursts. I sit down in front of the computer, marshal my thoughts into some semblance of order, and then spew it out onto the screen. I usually try to edit as I go along, but mainly editing is at a minimum. (as those who read this blog can attest! Ha! Take that grammar nazi’s! *grin*)
And this is the problem. If I begin a post, and then for some reason or other, fail to finish it and then stick it into “Draft”, I never get back into that specific frame of mind that I was when I started it. Then when I come back to it, the entire premise of the post is lost on me, and I start second thinking myself.
“What the hell was this post about?”
“Who is my audience?” (Damn you Creative Writing Professor at University! You drilled this so much into my head now, 10+ years after graduating I still find myself asking this stupid question!)
“Will people think I’m stupid after they read this post?”
“Is this post stupid?”
“Am I stupid?”
“And is my stupidity so rampant that I have become one of those people who is unaware of their stupidity, and therefore makes these off the wall comments thinking he’s being intelligent and quirky, when he’s just being mundane and boring.
And so on.
And it’s these two modes of thinking that pretty much define how I live my life.
I’m either barrelling ahead, with no thought to consequences, with a devil may care attitude. Oblivious (or totally ignoring) to nay sayers and others who suggest caution. Sure I’ve had my share of disasters living life like this, but I’ve also had my share of impossible against the odds, million to one shot wins (Landing a job that let me live and work on an island resort in Australia’s Great Barrier Reef, whilst still recovering from depression).
My brain holds my life hostage. My thoughts spiralling into an infinite loop of repeating logic and second questioning. Playing out “what-if” scenarios in my head ad-nauseum, until I am frozen in a near state of panic and self doubt. And sure I’ve missed out on a helluva lot of opportunities, but I’ve also managed to avoid doing a few really, really, really, really, REALLY stupid things (Jumping off that balcony in Madrid).
I would say that growing up I was the latter. I was cautious. I over-thought everything. I was boring.
And the whole daredevil attitude came about as I realised just how much I was missing out by constantly thinking too much about things.
But switching from one extreme to the other, well it’s tiring. So I’m making a conscious decision to try and mend my ways, I’m going to try bully my cautious wimpy side and my completely-off-his-nutter daredevil side into an arranged marriage. Of course, trying to mend a decade’s worth behavioural insanity isn’t going to be easy. So baby steps.
Starting with this blog.
I am going to trawl through my drafts list and finish every single one of those entries.
Even if when I read back on thoughts made a few months ago, and they’re just hopelessly banal, and I shudder at the thought of someone reading them, I will still attempt to finish them off. Since at one point in time, I found whatever it was I was writing about important enough to write about.
I am going to give myself the whole month of April to finish these posts. So bear with me.
But I will need some help, just to start off with.
So once again, I’m putting it to a vote. I’ve got some of the entries listed below and an overview of what I’m talking about (since I’ve come to realise the titles of my blog posts tend to veer away from the actual content…) and I’m asking anyone to chip in what they would like to see me finish.
– Hello my name is Sweatpants, and I’m an FNC – this post is about dating, and my total hopelessness at it.
– Hello, umm porn seekers, it was inevitable I guess – this post is about the pornification (is that even a word?) of the searches that are being directed to my blog.
– Hello Bridget, *waves* this was inspired by you! – answers Bridgets question as to why my medical expenses in Australia have been astronomical, and provides an explanation of the medicare system of Australia
– Hello rainy Saturday, time to catch up on my favourite blogs – bloglove! Just an updated list of the many people who I stalk, make effigies of and worship as I make my blood sacrifices to their unbelievable blogging abilities.
So your call… oh and if no one votes then meh. I’ll bore you with something about toe nail clippings or something 😛