Hello Tuesday Ranting: the 14 unwritten rules of Valentines Day


I actually like Valentines Day, both as a single and as a couple. But lets face it, like every other social aspect of our lives, unwritten rules have been made and enforced by the mob.

Here are the 14, I came up with (I wasn’t aiming for 14 when I was writing this, it was serendipitous that way):

1. If you are female and single (with no foreseeable prospects), you have to hate this holiday.

2. If you are male and single (with no foreseeable prospects) Valentines Day really doesn’t matter, except for the fact that like every other night you will be alone.

3. If you are female and single (with no foreseeable prospects), but receive a Valentines Day gift from an admirer (who is not a complete troll), you will automatically reverse your position about hating this holiday.

4. If you are male and single (with no foreseeable prospects), but receive a Valentines Day gift from an admirer (no matter what she looks like), get ready for an entire day of being made fun of by every other male to whom rule 2 DOES NOT apply, and secretly hated by those to whom rules 1 and 2 applies.

5. If you are male in a relationship with a female, get her a gift. No matter what she says.

6. The only exception rule 5 is if she has told you repeatedly and emphatically that she doesn’t do Valentines Day. But only take this as the truth after about the 100th time she has told you, and you have very nearly had a fight about it. But even then acknowledge the day.

7. If you are male and in a new relationship and unsure of the females stance on Valentines Day, assume rule 5 holds true.

8. If you are male, in a relationship with a female and you purchase the gift during work hours, be prepared for every woman in the office to tilt their head to one side and go “Awwww, aren’t you sweet?” and for the men to whom rule 2 applies will either hate you or laugh at the amount of money you spent.

9. If you are female and in a relationship and your male partner has sent your Valentines Day gift to your work place, be prepared for every woman in the office to tilt their head to one side and go “Awwww, isn’t he sweet?” but those to whom rule 1 applies will secretly hate you.

10. If you are female and in a relationship, and your male partner has made at least a moderate amount of effort in relation to Valentines Day celebrations on your behalf, you must put out.

11. If you are female and in a relationship, and your male partner has only made the most minimal effort in relation to Valentines Day, you are allowed to be angry at him for the entire month of February, and have the legal right to bring up his lack of acknowledgement of aforementioned holiday to any and all sympathetic ears.

12. If you are male and want to purchase a card for your loved one, do not get the Valentines day card with the monkey rolling around in its own poop. This is a day when a sense of humour about the gifts is frowned upon. The only animals that is allowable on cards are puppies, kittens and bear cubs. Drawings of the aforementioned animals are also allowable, if they are of a sufficiently “cute” nature.

DO NOT. I repeat "DO NOT" use this image unless you are very certain you never want to sleep with the person you are sending this to.

13. If you are female and want to give your male partner a Valentines Day gift. There is no need. Wear the sexiest underwear you have (and no, men do not care if its brand new or something we’ve seen before. Really) + Put Out. That is all males expect/want from this holiday.

14. If you are male or female in a happy, caring, loving relationship – have sex. Lots and lots of sex. God said so.

EDIT: Thanks to Tanner for pointing out the typo in rule 7 🙂

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10 responses to “Hello Tuesday Ranting: the 14 unwritten rules of Valentines Day

  1. Note to self: Copious amounts of red wine make the rules hard to follow.

    Thank for you sharing this piece!

  2. Or in my case…when it is Valentine’s Day, and you find out that your husband is having an affair…you kick his ass out.

  3. I think on #7 you meant to reference #5 and not #4. And I will just spend my day like any other day. You don’t have to wait for a date to demonstrate someone you like them/appreciate them. I don’t do the commercial V-day.

  4. Thank you for clearing that up for me. I sent the (long distance) boyfriend a card and then mentioned this weekend that I didn’t celebrate Valentine’s day. The card was a custom order sexy/but not Valentine’s Day card, but I did write Happy Valentine’s Day inside. I wasn’t expecting anything more than a text or maybe a card, my thoughts were that if we weren’t to the point of saying “I love you” yet then Valentine’s Day isn’t really anything special. However, I got a package this morning (sent before I mentioned I didn’t celebrate VD) with a card, chocolates, earrings and a t-shirt from my home state (where he lives). I’ve spent this morning stressing out about not sending him a present, but now I know that I can just sex him up next week when we meet up for some vacation time together (like that wasn’t already the plan). Although I did figure out an awesome present, so I’ll have a back-up plan.

    • Exactly. Trust me. He will be ecstatic about the sexing and not give a rats arse about the non-present giving. You could actually take that rule and apply it to all significant events. Christmas, Birthdays, Thanksgiving, Australia Day, Tuesdays… us men are simple creatures really.

  5. Rule 6 applies in my case… but we’ve been together for 6 years. I decided to still get her something, though it was not what she REALLY wanted, a ring… it was the only thing she never thought she would be able to get…. Fenders and a paint job for her Jeep. http://bit.ly/wJ4yD0 she’s not your typical girl. Needless to say she was excited. Sometimes fixing the most common complaint is the best gift.

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