Apparently ol’ dream version of Captain Sweatpants is a bit of an asshole.
When I say “a bit” I mean “a lot”.
In the past few days I’ve had a number of people confess to me that they’ve had a dream about me, and well the nicest thing they said was “at least you didn’t eat my puppy in front of me.” And it’s not like it was you know, the cool kind of evil, where I use a laser to try and take over the world or kidnap everyone who said they would be in Indiana Jones and The Crystal Skull, and torture them till they promise that they will never ever ever ever make that movie, but it was the small minded petty evil that would make even Mother Theresa want to pat you on the head.
With a chair.
Example 1: “Me running over my friends puppy and then eating its remains” – Okay I love animals, and I don’t even have a car. So why this girl would have this dream I have no idea. And she said the worst thing was that, I wasn’t gnawing away at the carcass, she didn’t even see me eat it. She just knew I did, and I did it just to be mean.
Example 2: “Me buying the flat I’m currently renting and telling the room mate that even though I don’t own a car myself, I’m taking ownership of the underground car space, so he has to park his car on the street.” – again with the car. And seriously what a douchey thing to do. Even if I did have a car AND I bought the property I personally have no issues with parking on the street, and would let him keep that secure space.
Example 3: “Me calling my friend “Fatty McFat-Fat” until she breaks down, goes into a fetal position and crying. Then I keep going till she wakes up covered in sweat and tears” – this friend is nowhere near fat. I wouldn’t call her “thin” cause well that just conjures up the wrong image. She’s one of those girls that is skinny but has curves. So she’s not the waifish figure of a model. She’s the opposite of fat… she’s “taf”. Why in the world she would have a dream about me calling her fat, I have no idea. I thought she’s be the last person in the world to have body image issues.
Example 4: “My sister dreams I tell my niece that I’m planning a birthday party for her, get her all excited and worked up about it. Then NOT throw her a birthday party. So she’s sitting their in her party dress, in a room, all alone.” – I mean seriously, that’s beyond evil, and not in the fun Gargamel sort of way. I love that little butterball of cuteness to death. And if anyone did that to her I would hunt them down and kill them.
So when you’re just drifting off to sleep…
You better watch out.
You better not cry.
You better not pout.
I’m telling you why.
Cause that asshole, dream-Captain-Sweatpants will turn up and fuck your shit up.