Aaaah social awkwardness, where would I be if I wasn’t prone to committing them?
Probably “President for Life of the Universe and Emperor of All Things in the Space-Time Continuum”. I would be a dark and vengeful god, obliterating you puny humans for the merest transgression of my commandments, one of which would be that Friday would be the holiest of days. A day when all hot women would not be allowed to wear pants and all hot men (cause while being a wrathful and evil god, I can still acknowledge that 50% of those suffering under my rule are female and they like eye-candy too) would not be allowed to wear shirts.
Lucky for all of you, I am peppered with neuroses and the ability to construct awkward situations out of the most benign of social interactions. What can I say? It’s a gift. 😉
So in order to celebrate the fact that humans will never have to worship me with offerings of pizza, suits and books, I present to you a list of some (of the multitude of multitudes) of those awkward moments in my life:
THAT AWKWARD MOMENT AT WORK WHEN…
– the elevator doors stay open for just that extra second too long
– you talk to someone you’ve been working with for 3 months and you still don’t know their name.
– you walk into a meeting 15 minutes late, with no excuse other than “you forgot”
– when the person who stops by to chat at your cubicle, stays for 5 minutes too long.
– you’ve snuck out of the office for a quick coffee break and run into your boss.
– you realise in the morning that you have no clean underwear and you’re already 20 minutes late.
– you realise the pregnant co-worker sitting next to you is sitting in a way that you can totally see up her skirt.
– you come home and realise that you’ve had your fly open all day.
– you’re looking at your computer screen laughing at what CurlyCarly just wrote on her blog and your boss walking by asks exactly what you’re laughing at, cause contract negotiation should not be funny.
– that awkward moment when your stomach makes a loud growling noise during a meeting with a client. And it’s only 10AM.
– someone has been screaming at the printer for 20 minutes because it’s not working. You have a look and realise that it’s only out of paper.
– the gay HR-manager tells your girlfriend during the office Xmas party that he wants to “tap that ass”. “That” meaning you.
THAT AWKWARD MOMENT WITH GIRLS WHEN…
– you’re giving a massage to a female friend (and who you only see as a female friend) and they start making sex noises.
– you realise that the girl you’ve been trying to hit on for the past hour is a lesbian.
– the girl who you thought was a lesbian and have been asking for tips about girls turns out to be bi-sexual and also into you.
– you’ve had long, rambling text conversations with a girl for days on end, and the last response you get was a one word answer… 4 days after you sent the text.
– you sober up and realise who and what you’ve drunk texted.
– you realise that the girl you have the hots for was born in the 90’s, while you were born in the 70’s
– you know you’re about to have sex, but have realised neither of you have a condom and there are no convenience stores nearby.
– you get all excited because your phone beeped that you have a new text, only to find it’s not the person who you wanted to text you.
– you realise that you like someone waaaaaaay more than they like you.
– you realise someone likes you waaaaaaay more than you like them.
THAT AWKWARD MOMENT AT HOME WHEN…
– you’ve just done a massive, stinky poo and your room-mate and his girlfriend are right outside in the “zone of death”.
– it’s the middle of the night and you have to pee, you’re in you sleeping underwear and nothing else, but you’re not sure if your room-mate and his girlfriend are still on the couch outside.
– the action movie you’re watching in your room, has a sudden and overly loud sex scene, and now your sure you’re room-mate and his girlfriend in the other room thinks you’re watching porn.
– when you’re hung over as fuck and just want to spend the next 48 hours locked in your room. And you do.
THAT AWKWARD MOMENT WITH MONEY WHEN…
– you order a $2 sushi roll, but you only have a $50 dollar bill.
– you order your morning coffee and realise you have no money in your wallet.
– you realise the date you’re on is going to set your budget back by two whole months.
THAT AWKWARD MOMENT IN GENERAL WHEN…
– you realise you’re 33 years old and still like playing computer games
– you realise you value your book collection more than life itself.
– the cousin who you knew was gay since you were 10 years old comes out to you when he’s 24.
– the cousin who told you he was gay when he was 24, comes out to you again, but now he’s 31.
– you have really bad gas and there’s someone walking behind you.
– the bus driver brakes suddenly and you find yourself crotch-to-ass with a perfect stranger.
– you’re staring off into space in public and a person who just happens to be in the way thinks you’re staring at them.
– you think that someone is just staring off into space and you just happen to be in the way, but it turns out they actually were staring at you.
– you’re shopping and realise there is nothing in your basket but potato chips and alcohol. Then you think to yourself, maybe they’ll think I’m having a party. They won’t. And you’re not.
– you tell someone about your blog, but realise too late that they really shouldn’t be reading it.
– you realise you will be alone. Forever.
– you’ve just typed out “you realise you will be alone. Forever.” and you realise you sound like a self-pitying douche bag.
– you realise you’ve over-shared your neuroses with the blogging world (again!), but you can’t be bothered making up a whole new post, so you post this anyway.