“On second thought…”
That phrase has always worried me.
It’s because I’m not restricted to just having second thoughts. I have third, fourth, fifth, ad nauseum thoughts. And I’m never sure which voice is the real me or which one is the voice that comes from my upbringing or which is the one that just trolls the other voices or which is the one that thinks what “society” (whatever that means) tells me I should think or which is the one that I think I should think, but I don’t really.
Welcome to my world.
Case in point. My life as it stands now. I think the best way to explain it would be to show the thoughts that ran through my head this lazy Sunday just past.
Original Cap’n: Laundry: done. Shopping: done. Clean up of house: Meh, it can wait. Plan for rest of the day: Watch a few episodes of Top Gear, play around on the PS3, waste some time on the internet, eat a whole bag of popcorn ALL by myself, go for a run or maybe the gym, cook dinner. Repeat 1,2 and 3 until bedtime, then read till I fall asleep. My life is awesome.
Second thought Cap’n: No. Your life is sad.
Original Cap’n: What? Nah man, it’s awesome. I do what I want, when I want. I’m not wasting money any more and I’m paying off my debt. I finally have a job that I like going to AND I’m good at. A woman at this point would just mess things up.
Second thought Cap’n: Ha! See! I didn’t mention women at all, but you had to justify your lonely existence by mentioning them. QED.
Original Cap’n: I only mentioned it cause I know that’s why you piped up. Hellloooo you’re inside my head. I know why you think these things!
Just-Wants-To-Chill Cap’n: *sigh*
Troll Cap’n: Leave him alone, he’s justifying being alone because he’s a social retard.
Second thought Cap’n (to Troll Cap’n): Pfft! He WISHES he was socially retarded. At least that would give him an excuse as to why he’ll be alone for the rest of his life, but he’s not! Well he’s not socially retarded, when he chooses not to be anyways.
Original Cap’n: Hmmmm. Maybe my distinct lack of motivation to socialise is a form of social retardation…
Second thought Cap’n: So you’re agreeing with the douche bag now???
Troll Cap’n: (starts humming We Are The Champion by Queen)
Original Cap’n: Well, doesn’t the fact that everything I have planned for my spare time in the forseeable future involves absolutely no significant social interaction with another human being, and I am glad of that fact, denote some sort of social ineptness?
Party Hard Cap’n: But how about the farewell for Collette? You had two girls ALL over you! You literally charmed the actual top of the dress off one of them. Not as good as charming her pants off, but you were pretty close.
Just-Wants-To-Chill Cap’n: *even louder sigh*
Second thought Cap’n: See. If you really don’t want to be with anyone why were you flirting with that girl at the party huh?
Original Cap’n: But I flirt with everyone! That doesn’t mean I want to go home with them!
Party Hard Cap’n: I call “bullshit”.
Original Cap’n: Okay maybe I did like one, but I don’t want a relationship!
Second thought Cap’n: Yes you do.
Party Hard Cap’n: Who said anything about a relationship? I’m sure she was open for a shag and a fond farewell.
Original Cap’n: Naaaahhhhh… wait a second. Really???
Troll Cap’n: LOL. What an idiot! How could you not tell?
Party Hard Cap’n: I agree with the douche-bag. How the hell could you not tell???
Original Cap’n: Maybe she was just being friendly!
Second thought Cap’n: Look dude, I don’t usually agree with these two, but in this case, yeah, I’m sure she was up for some love-em and leave-em action.
Troll Cap’n: Loooooooosssserrrrrrr!
Just-Wants-To-Chill Cap’n: Will all of you just shut up??? I’m trying to watch some television here!
Original Cap’n (to Blogger Cap’n): What do you think???
Blogger Cap’n: Me? I don’t think. I just post all these embarrassing thoughts you have in your head in a blog, so not only do the women you meet out in the real world think you’re odd, but all women on the internet will also think you’re odd.
Original Cap’n: Fuck.