Hello. I have misplaced my pants.


I have misplaced my pants.

This post relates to the wearing suit while jumping in a pool incident.

You know, you find out many things as you grow up. Things that no one ever bothered to teach you. Things like:

– When it is appropriate to flip someone off while driving.

– That doing that thing with a credit card and a door lock never ever works.

– The proper way to check out a girl without being too creepy.

– Where you should hide your embarrassing collection of porn if you are not living alone or if you have a girl coming over.

The one thing I’ve learned recently is that a combination of suit + chlorine + water + doing the running man + alcohol induced flexibility = Holy seamstress batman! There are holes in your pants!

I usually take very good care of my clothes, because a) I usually buy nice pricey stuff that I know should last me a good long while and b) I shop for clothes sporadically. As in I will buy a new outfit only once in a blue moon, but when I buy, I buy BIG. But of course alcohol intervenes and then I do stupid stuff with any and all my possessions. We’ve covered my stupidity when I combine myself with alcohol. Lets not dwell on that, keep moving forward as Walt Disney said.

I could almost forgive Disney for Black Cauldron because of this quote... almost.

Since I did the pool jumping in thing twice, I have ruined two pairs of pants. The other 6 pairs (as an aside why do we call them “pairs of pants?” It’s one piece of clothing! I mean I get pairs of socks, but why pants? You could argue that because there are two legs, but then shirts have two sleeves, and we don’t say “a pair of shirts”. Someone enlighten me.) come from either my “skinnier” days or my “fatter” days and thus no longer fit me.

So now I have absolutely no trousers for which to go to work in.

A problem you may think for one working in a corporate/bureaucratic environment.

But aha! you forgot to take into account the brilliantness of the Cap’n!

So, I’ve gone through my wardrobe and have come up with these brilliant alternatives to trousers until I can get my collection repaired or buy new ones.

a) Pyjama bottoms:

So soft and comfy!

They’re comfy. They’re dark blue, and I’m sure if I wore a spiffy vest and a coat over them no one would be the wiser…

b) Short (very) plaid skirt:

Would I have to shave my legs if I wore this?

I know, you’re all wondering why in the world I have this in my wardrobe. But to quote another awesome Captain, Captain Mal Reynolds ” You can’t open the book of my life and jump in the middle. Like woman, I am a mystery.”

But seriously before your minds go into weird tangents of me dressing up as a school girl, I believe it was left behind by a lady friend who was dressed as a school girl.  I’m thinking I could maybe pull off the kilt look. The inherent problems of this solution is that, a) I am not Scottish b) I don’t think kilts are meant to flash your butt cheeks when you walk. Let’s call this plan B.

c) Cargo shorts

So... many... pockets... must...fill... with... crap..!

Yes I know they went the way of the popped-up collar. But you cannot deny their usefulness. I could carry pens, a couple of documents, my lunch, my ipod, my phone, a book to read, a notepad, a bottle of water, a large turtle to release back into the ocean and maybe a six pack if me and the other boys in the dorm decide to go out for a brewski… hold on a sec…

d) Boardies (board shorts)

And no... they're not see-thru when they get wet...

Yes I know they are technically swimwear, but there are some very stylish ones out there. I have a plain white one, coupled with a crisp white business shirt. It could be possible to pull this off. And also, I would not have to fear the combination of swimming pools and alcohol, as they say on TV…”and here’s something I prepared earlier.”

e) Au naturale

Too naughty for the Web!

Wooo let the flubber fly!

Pro’s: the breeze and absolute freedom of it.

Cons: I will most likely be arrested.

f) Jeans

Never ever ever catch on 😛

Oh come on! Jean’s with a business shirt and tie??!?! Per-maybe-haps a sports jacket to go with it, maybe even a blazer?!?!? Who ever heard of such a thing!!! pffft!! It’ll never catch on!

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6 responses to “Hello. I have misplaced my pants.

  1. You had me at that quote… then made me do a double-triple take at the mini skirt and totally lost me at the censored au-naturale photo. Such a bumpy ride this post has been! I think you are better off going to your consignment store and buying yourself a pair of lightly used slacks while your full time slacks are in the shop. Or you know, those jeans may not be all that bad… at worse, they will think you are poorly dressed, but they wont question your state of mind as if you were in PJs, a skirt or butt nakey.

  2. I’m amused that you’d consider wearing pj pants with a coat and tie but nay to the jeans. Hmmm

  3. Hahahaha…brilliant post! Please rock the skirt..

    And is that a photo of the actual PJs you own?! “Game over” on the crotch?! My oh my….

  4. I vote for the skirt. Mostly because I’m evil, but we do have a guy in our office who regularly wears a kilt.

  5. Lol I was thinking maybe you can pull off the pajama bottoms but then as I got further and further all I could do was laugh. Don’t rock any of those in the office and I doubt you would make it to the office Au naturale although the breeze is tempting.

  6. DUDE! Yes to the jeans and hell no to the swimming shorts lol

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