Hello. Help. Oh god will someone please help!


First few paragraphs are said in Rod Serling’s voice from the Twilight Zone… (click on the video below for a refresher, or you have no idea what I’m talking about)

Picture if you will a man. A man in a suit. A man looking really great in that suit. It’s three-piece and grey, with a crisp white shirt and a black tie. His shoes are also pretty awesome. Then you have his… wait I got sidetracked there…

*ahem*

Picture if you will a man. We’ve already established his awesomeness in suits, so we’ll skip that bit. He is an ordinary man, going about his ordinary life. But chance dictates otherwise. In this story he will be thrust into a different world. A world unlike our own. A world where the purchase of a $500 game console seems like a brilliant idea. Thus we enter… THE DEEPER IN DEBT ZONE… (doodedodo doodeedodo doodedoodoo – thats my rendition of the Twilight Zone theme, I know. So awesome.)

Okay back to the normal everyday Cap’n voice… Think Steve Urkel but with the ability to say “arvo” (that’s Oz slang for “afternoon” by the by… and if you’re really curious you pronounce it “AH-vo”).

I have succumb to temptation. Well not really. But I am very, very, very close to it. I have metaphorically dipped my finger on the icing of the cake, had a taste, found out that I liked it, and my face is now inches away from the sugary creamy buttocks of the aforementioned baked good.  And, a small amount of drool, inching its way cautiously towards the cake, aching for that first forbidden touch, completes the image.

After 4 years of resisting the urge to buy an X-Box and 3 years of resisting to buy a Playstation 3, I am on the brink of purchasing one or the other. Literally on the brink.

I blame the new room mate for this, as he has a PS3. And thus I have come to know what I’ve been missing all these years…

I have justified the spenditure in my budget (since I will be getting $720 back from my security deposit of my other apartment once the lease ends in January). I have shopped around for the best deal. (Target is selling them for $50 less than anywhere else). I have the website up and my credit card details on it, all I have to do is hit “Submit” and I will be $300 more in debt (but 1 Ps3 richer!).

I am also using the justification that buying a PS3 will actually save me money in the long run. Bear with me on this. Since I will be soooo deeply immersed in the fantabulousness of games that are out there, I will not be inclined to go out on pub-crawls or bar-hops (I initially had that as bra-hops* which curiously does apply, but would be in the way of TMI, so I deleted it) that is the main form of social bonding for any single male. And since I will be about as social as a troll living under a bridge, I will not be dating, nor will I have any prospects for dating, which everyone will agree is an expensive process, for both sexes.

See. It makes some sense.

So why haven’t I pressed that sublime looking “Submit” button? Even as I type this in another tab, I can hear its sublime siren call singing to me through the pixels of my computer screen. Aching for the touch of my cursor, wantonly thrusting itself out of the screen into my face.

So, why haven’t I pressed it??!?!!?

It is because of you people.  I know you’re there, judging me. Threatening me with disembowelment if I stray too far from the rigid structure of my budget. Discussing and planning covert missions to kidnap me and torture me in ways unimaginable if I go down this road. (I’m looking at you! You know who you are!)

So yes, fear of pain and death are the main reasons as to why I haven’t done this. I can all too easily picture you people sharpening you implements of sadisticness as you read this. A plague on both your houses!

But the other reason is that stupid little voice in my head, that is of course soooo much more sensible than I am, and is telling me to consider all the pro’s and con’s first before doing anything rash, then wait another week on top of that. God, I wanna kick his ass.

It’s the little voice that tells me to look both ways before crossing the street.

The little voice that tells me it would be a bad idea to stick metal cutlery into electrical sockets.

The little voice that tells me that one more shot of Jaegermeister hasn’t made me any more attractive.

The little voice that tells me to not sleep with the hot girl from accounts.

That stupid little voice.

*gets cotton tip and starts poking it in his ear*

HA! How do you like them apples?!?

Again in the Rod Sterling Voice

So here we come to the end of our story. Picture a man poking himself in the ear with a cotton bud as he mutters to himself. Picture a man in fear for his life. Picture a man who is one step away from sweet oblivion, where this one choice could lead to either happiness or despair. Picture this man straddling the boundaries of reality, of right and wrong. Picture this man one small step away from the… DEEPER IN DEBT ZONE! (doodedodo doodeedodo doodedoodoo)

*Edit: I do not mean I hop into bra’s myself per se. I know most of you got what I meant when I said that, but I know one person will start picturing me wearing bra’s. I want to make it clear that is not what I meant. So don’t try and picture it. I don’t want anyone going blind.

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6 responses to “Hello. Help. Oh god will someone please help!

  1. Maybe set aside 5 or 10 dollars a pay until you have the cash to pay for it. Seems rather silly to go in debt for something you don’t really need. (though maybe not as silly as jumping in a pool wearing a suit :))
    BTW I love your blog 🙂 and your sense of humor 🙂

    • Thanks Johanna! But the problem is I get paid fortnightly, wait youre american… I get paid every two weeks… so $10 every pay would mean I would have to save almost 1.5 years in order to get it… :/

  2. Ok well its cheaper than a girlfriend…but much more expensive then reading a nice book.

    Anyway remember with the system comes the games…and the memory cards…and paddles(not those kind of paddles..again girlfriend)

    So did you push the button

    Judy

  3. Save up for it.
    You know what’s going to happen if you go into debt to buy it. You’re going to think about it every time you turn the damn thing on. It’s like the guilt with the suit thing.
    But if you save up for it, you’ll feel this totally awesome supreme being thing.

  4. I’m going against the grain here and that if you can afford to pay it off within 30-60 days, go head and get the console. The Xbox 360 and the PS3 are the only things I miss from my marriage. Jerk left me the Wii, which I never play and two PS2s.

    As for bra-hopping, that’s what happens when I try to get into my industrial-strength sports bra. I have to hop around while trying to smoosh myself into the contraption.

  5. Think you made the right call and Judy said what I would have. You always have to remember the games. I own an xbox but I hardly buy games for it so I hardly get to play it. I am not one for playing over games. I like the story and once it is over the game usually bores me.

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