Okay admittedly the song is about the dumpee not the dumper, wassailing about the heartache that he/she has on the proposed break up. But the title still rings true for the dumper.
Now I have both been dumped and been the dumpee on numerous occasions. There have really only been a couple of times that I’ve had a relationship that sorta just ended, but no distinct “break-up” talk was ever entered into (both involved one party moving). Those break-ups were awesome. No guilt. No tears. No uncomfortable conversations. No awkward division of property. Oh if only all break-up were so simple.
But life, being life and consistently wanting to kick us in the nadgers, doesn’t always work like this. So just to provide everyone with an overview of exactly how I came to view break-ups like this, please see below for my life story in break-up form.
12 years old – Natalie (or was it Kimiko?) – asked me to be her boyfriend at the end of year 6. For a glorious five minutes I was over the moon. Then I got dumped for Tony Something (it’s been nearly 21 years! you can’t me expect to remember everyone names)… the bad boy of the year and also the jock of the school
*BIG GAP DUE TO THE AWKWARD PIMPLY STAGE*
15 years old – Lenka – the first official girlfriend. I was not interested, but she was friends with my friends and was basically peer pressured into that relationship. I ended it after 3 months.
17 years old – Elizabeth – two years older than me and a dancer. Frankly she was quite pretty. However very, very tall. Whereas I am very very short. I ended it after 9 months after much teasing from friends.
18 – 19 years old – Mei – a great girl, but we were not compatible. I ended it. We became friends for a while, then during this “friendship” she started introducing me as her “boyfriend”. Ended the friendship quickly after that.
*BIG GAP DUE TO WHAT I REFER TO AS MY SLUT YEARS*
22 – 26 years old – The Big Ex – longest relationship ever. But was not ready to get serious. I ended up cheating on her with a friend. I broke it off. Got back together. She broke it off. Got back together. She broke it off. I chased her across Europe (no really I did… it’s basically the reason why I have so much debt). It did not work out as I hoped.
27 years old – the Doctor – I was a mess. I’m not even sure why in the world she was attracted to me. Maybe it was something about her being a doctor and wanting to “save” me. No idea. Clinically depressed because of previous relationship breakdown. Moody. Jobless. She had to move interstate for work after 6 months.
28-29 years old – The Blond – Beautiful, intelligent, sexy, funny. But we we’re plainly incompatible with the exception of the hot sex. Managed 9 months, and then she ended it.
29 – 30 years old – The Wife – yes I will admit it. I had a relationship with a married woman. I’m not proud of it, but it happened. I had to move for work, The relationship again tapered out.
31 years old – the Crazy – seriously this girl was nuts. I mean wow. I don’t think I was even attracted to her. I just got really drunk one night and did not want to admit I was slipping back to my “Slut Years”. Lasted one month and she had to move.
As you can see, I’m usually the dumper. I have really only experienced being the dumpee a couple of times. But I’ve found as I’ve gotten older, that it’s much easier to take. Admittedly the first time (with the Big Ex) it was for real, it hit me harder than anything I’ve ever known. And with the Blond was tough but looking back not that bad.
But I have not found the same kind of lessening in difficulty when you’re in the role of the dumper.
It’s still REALLY REALLY hard for me.
I will question my motivations.
Why am I dumping this one? Am I just bored? Does that say something about me as a person? Should I not be bored? This is a great person! Why do they annoy me? Am I not built for relationships? Am I a bastard because I don’t really have a valid reason for ending a relationship other than I don’t want to be in that specific relationship? I wonder how much that suit costs? Seriously this is a great girl, what is wrong with me? And so on and so forth.
So how does one end a relationship?
Do you go for the tried and true method of cliche-ing the other person to death (it’s not you it’s me etc etc)
Do you go for straightforwardness (I think we should break up. Reasons outlined in the page 3,6,9, and 13 of the document provided).
Do you go for the “acting like a douche until he/she breaks up with you” method.
Do you go for the cowardly asshole route by breaking up via text/letter/phone?
Do you go for the disappearing trick? Where you simply cease to exist in the same universe as the dumpee?
Or do you have something else you do?
Riddle me that readers.