Hello underwear, no I didn’t go to the pub.

I’ve been wondering this for a while now, so I thought I’d share my insane thoughts with you people. Cause if you can’t share the crazy things that run through your head with strangers on the internet, then who can you share them with???

Alright, underwear. Now for us males who were trousers or jeans with a zip-fly, underwear is kinda essential. You always want another layer of protection for your googlies whenever its near an implement that could conceivably take a chunk out of said googlies. And when you get to a certain age, and work in an office environment, trousers are pretty much all that you wear.

You ALWAYS want an extra layer of protection. ALWAYS.

Then there’s the whole issue of support, essential when you’re going to the gym and even for going on long walks (which I try to do on my lunchtime).

So those two points cover pretty much the 7 days of the week, and reasons why I wear underwear.

But why do females wear underwear?

Okay bra’s I get. The whole support issue comes into question there. I’m pretty sure that girls don’t like the bouncing and swaying that comes with unsupported secondary sexual stats as much as we guys don’t like them on our primary sexual stats, unless of course, sex is involved, then its like a basketball court. (okay that was just a humorous connection. PLEASE PLEASE readers, if you are male do not try to bounce a girls breasts like a basketball, and if you are female never try to dribble a guys parts up the court for a slam dunk as it were).

But underwear? Really, are they actually necessary? Of course there are a few caveats and addendums.

Caveat 1: Periods.

If its your time of the month, sure, underwear is required to contain whatever sort of feminine hygieneproduct you have opted for, I understand. Here have some chocolate. Please don’t kill me.

Caveat 2: Hair

If you prefer the natural look, then I would think that underwear definitely serves a function in your wardrobe, there’s that whole issue of “snagging” to deal with. But with the ubiquitousness of the full brazilian, that’s really not an issue for a large majority of girls (albeit I have a limited sample to draw from when I say “ubiquitous”. I never have, and never will, see every female in the world naked. But those that I have seen naked [this is the best time to think in your head “What? All one of them???” and then chuckle at my expense… go on, got it out of your system? Great. Let us continue.] nearly all supported at least a variant of this, for lack of better term, “hairdo”.)

Addendum 1: Clothes not being rough on skin.

Most clothes these days are fairly soft and non-scratchy, hell even my wool suit doesn’t chafe (but it does have a zipper though… so, caution!) I know if I’m going to be able to wear sweatpants all day (and you know I like doing that) and not going to the gym, I’m definitely going commando. And most girls clothes feel positively silky smooth compared to what guys normally have. So that layer of protection isn’t really required, or is it? *shrugs*

Addendum 2: Short skirts and “airflow”

If you are going to wear a short skirt, I can see underwear being necessary, even if it is just to prevent dirty old men from throwing their backs out trying to gain confirmation that what they actually saw was real. But longer skirts? I’d think the airflow would be kind of refreshing… again I am male, and have never worn a skirt (well, while sober anyway, but that’s another story) so maybe airflow is a bad thing, educate my ignorance!

So what we have left are females, who are not having their period and are hair free or trimmed, and not wearing short skirts. 

To you I postulate the question, what use is your underwear? I’m not saying you shouldn’t wear them, I’m just wondering if they have any sort of functionality other than being pretty.

I mean for all I know, that’s where you keep your loose change or a spare set of house keys or whatever…


8 responses to “Hello underwear, no I didn’t go to the pub.

  1. Next time you are putting on your pants, before you step into them, look down. There is a seam going from the zipper/fly area all the way to the back. (You know, the line that is supposed to be between your buttocks?) If I didn’t wear underpants, that seam with all its tiny folds, would be rubbing against my lady parts. No thanks. Underpants also serve as a barrier from inner seam folds irritating certain areas. Even if they are made of the most soft fabric in the world, 10 – 12 hours daily, everyday, of this rubbing would produce 1 of 2 results, neither of I would want the general public to have to be a witness to.
    (use your imagination, Cap’n. ) 😉

  2. So I’ve definitely just given my co-workers confirmation that I, much like yourself, am as nutty as a Picnic Bar (soooo good–I had plenty when in Australia!).

    Let me paint a mental picture to help you understand this statement: the Happy Homeowner is diligently working away on her computer while listening to music via noise-cancelling headphones. She takes a short break to save her brain and read the blog of the Mighty Cap’n. While reading this post and the previous one, she momentarily forgets the existence of anyone else she works with and begins to laugh out loud LOUDLY–complete with a few snorts and tears in the eyes. When she turns around to the other side of her desk, she sees three co-workers standing there (completely amused by the laughing hyena that works with them), jumps straight out of her chair, lands on the floor, and subsequently gets tangled in the cords of her lovely headphones that had she not been wearing would have enabled her to hear said co-workers come into her office–and saved herself quite a bit of embarrassment.

    Yeah, I’m that girl. 😀

    Moral of the story? You need to share these types of “inner workings” more!!!!

  3. Yeah I agree with Eboo, there is that whole seam thing. NOT COMFORTABLE. Also have you ever walked up stairs wearing a skirt..well no you probably haven’t but you get the idea. And for the whole bra thing believe me as soon as we can we take those damn booby restraints off.

    Now back to normal coversation….lol


  4. Yeah no, underwear is absolutely necessary! Bra’s though I could do without half the time.

  5. Hmm… can’t believe I am answering this one, and also can’t believe that you don’t know the answer. Go to lunch with an OB/GYN doctor and ask him/her about it. Probably some day you’ll learn a little more about the female human body, but then again, it’s great to know that all the mysteries are not out of the bag yet (so to speak.) Yay for feminine mystique! May it long live!

    • The only things I know about the female human body is not fit for public printing 😛 But I have a TONNE of other mysteries that I could ask. Like do women always feel a couple of degrees warmer than me? How can they stand waxing? Or if they shave, how in the world do they reach ummm certain places… (is a mirror involved somehow?) See I got plenty of ignorance 🙂 I mean sure I could’ve asked the ex’s or female friends… but there’s only so many times you can ask questions like this to a person before they start wondering if youre scary crazy instead of just cute crazy 😛

  6. Hygiene.
    Remember this, women are not all closed up. So you know, stuff can get in as easily as it can get out. Also, women don’t just secrete during periods. Do they teach NOTHING in sex ed?!?!?!

    Also, I don’t like the feeling of certain materials rubbing against my lady bits. That seam that has been mentioned is a good example.

    I am very particular about the type of underwear I choose because certain underwear makes me feel sexy. Other underwear makes me feel playful. And other underwear makes me feel beat down LOL

    I don’t use a mirror, I’m just bendy.

    I feel like I’m really oversharing right now…

    • “don’t just secrete during periods” WHAT?!?!?!?! O_O
      “don’t use a mirror, I’m just bendy” I’m trying to picture this… I really am… But it doesn’t seem possible without either breaking bones or defying some law of physics…

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