Hello dating, I give up!


So to celebrate my departure from the land of the dead, a friend of mine dragged me kicking and screaming, forced, convinced me with blackmail, threatened me with violence , set me up on a blind date the weekend just past.

This is the problem when all of your female friends are in loving, stable monogamous relationships. They often see you as someone they can pass off their single female friends to, when she first brought this up I wasn’t looking forward to it. Suffice to say I should have listened to my instincts. But alas, my positive outlook on everything since getting well again won.

So, Sunday came, and the optimist in me (may he die a thousand deaths via paper-cut) came to the fore, and I began to actually look forward to the date.

“How bad could it be?” he said.

“If it all goes banana shaped, you’ll just make a new friend, right?” he said.

“And who knows, this could turn out to be the girl of your dreams even!” he said.

So with a jaunty step, I traveled into the City for the date.

It started off well. We found each other easily enough. Both of us were on time. I liked the cut of her jib. And I saw no visible cringe from her when I walked up and flashed her a smile. Her returning smile was actually quite adorable.

So far so good. Maybe this will be a good day.

But oh, I was wrong. So terribly, terribly wrong.

We engaged in some light small talk, until the waitress came over to serve us. The waitress was a chirpy young lass, bright and bubbly. It was a pleasant change from the sour faced harridans you sometimes get in these places. She smiled at us, handed us our menus and asked if we wanted any drinks to start off with. It was a warm day so I was looking for something an iced coffee, maybe an orange juice, I hadn’t yet decided, so I gestured to my date that she should go first. And thus I heard the first faint splashes of waves against the iceberg that was to sink this Captain Sweatpant SS Dating Life Titanic.

Crazy Date Girl: “Orange Juice and don’t take forever about it. And none of that bottled stuff. Freshly squeezed.”

I glanced up, eyebrow raised at the rudeness of the order, looking for some hint that she was being ironical in her rudeness. A smile. A big grin. A poker face, then breaking out into a belly laugh and then apologising to the waitress for odd sense of humour.

Nothing.

She just sat there glaring at the waitress.

The waitress, of course immediately went into professional mode, and said that she’s bring it out straight away, smile gone. She turned to me and asked what I was after.

Me: “Iced coffee, please.” I said pointing to the menu, and the waitress bent down to see what I was pointing at, “And we’ll have a look through the menus and we should be ready when the drinks come, thanks” I said, with an apologetic smile.

She smiled back, seeming to understand that this was a blind date. And told us she’d be back shortly with our drinks.

As soon as the waitress had turned her back, I hear the sudden crash of the iceberg ripping through starboard side of the date, it came in the form of this:

Crazy Date Girl: “Did you see that little slut flirting with you?!?!” 

Me: “Errr.”

Crazy Date Girl:What a whore, we’re obviously on a date and she goes and hits on you right in front of me.”

Me:I don’t think she was hitting on me… I think she’s just doing her job. You know, customer service and all that…” I say trying to keep the peace, and save as many women and children that I could on the lifeboats. But they were doomed. They were all of them, doomed.

Crazy Date Girl: “Yeah right, I work in customer service. But I would never be all over a guy who was obviously on a date with another girl. That’s just disgusting. Girls like her give ALL girls a bad name.”

Me:Ummm... wha? When was she all over me?” I ask completely confused. Unless I had suddenly gotten one of those viral meningitis brain blanks right at the time this waitress was supposedly giving me a lap dance, I had no clue what she was talking about.

Crazy Date Girl: “When she was leaning all over you, pretending to look at what you were pointing at on the menu. She might as well have shoved her tits in your face. But you’re such a gentleman you didn’t even look. That’s why *insert-friends-name-who-I-am-going-to-kill here*  knew we would get along so well.”

Craaassshhhhhhh! Iceberg dead ahead!!!

I try and steer the conversation to less troubled waters but to no avail. For the next five minutes I am provided a non-stop hypothetical rant of the sluttiness of our waitress. I sit there, aghast. I’m sure my friend is about to jump out of the bushes and tell me I’ve been punk’d. I’m sure of it. Surely no one is actually like this woman in real life. I try to glance around surreptitiously for a camera, surreptitiously because I don’t want this harpy to think I may be checking out other females.

Our drinks finally arrive, and the optimist in me thinks maybe this can still be salvageable.

Again, he was wrong. So terribly wrong.

Crazy Date Girl: “This has pulp in it. I asked for no pulp. Are you stupid?” I hear her say.

The waitress again in total professional mode, has her smile frozen in place apologises and tells her that she’ll bring another glass straight away.

Crazy Date Girl: “Good. And stop flirting with my boyfriend as well.” 

Well, that was the final bulkhead to collapse and flood the inner compartments with the frigid cold waters of the Northern Atlantic.

Me: “Okay. Stop right there. You did not ask for “no pulp” in your orange juice, you asked for freshly squeezed orange juice. And in the rudest way possible. You do not treat people this way. I don’t care if you’ve been having a bad day, week, month, year, life… you just don’t! And dear god, I am not your boyfriend, I met you 10 minutes ago!”

By the time that last line was delivered I was standing, and had raised my voice a tad. I’m not one for public outbursts, so I felt hugely awkward.

I took a $20 note out of my wallet handed it to the waitress, apologised and told her to keep the change. I turned to my date, told her this isn’t going to work out. And walked off.

And to tell you the truth it was a relief. Not getting out of that date, but okay that was a relief too. But the relief came more because, that was the last straw, in regards to putting up with bad dates. Somewhere along that rant, I had made a decision that I was no longer going to put myself through these ghastly things, looking for that one glimmer of humanity, in the ever increasing amount of douchiness out there. The realisation that I was actually happier being single and not at all looking for a relationship, than I was being single and constantly searching for “the one”. That I would be gloriously ecstatic being single and alone for all of eternity, than being stuck with Crazy Date Girl for the rest of my life.

And thus, I bid farewell to SS Dating Life Titanic. May you sink to the deep dark depths of the Atlantic and slowly rust into oblivion.

Until James Cameron makes a movie about you that is.

And frankly that would be the scariest disaster movie evvveerrrrrrr.

36 responses to “Hello dating, I give up!

  1. Holy crap! DATE FROM HELL!

    Good for you, though, for speaking your mind and leaving her psycho ass sitting there. Something tells me she may not be finished with you just yet, though – she sounds like a potential stalker (and not the good kind). Keep us posted!!!

  2. Wow, what a b*tch she was!! Weird that she even *has* friends to set her up with people…

    It may all work out for you with the sinking of the SS Dating Life Titanic… you know the old adage “once you stop looking, that’s when you find them”

    • Siiiiisss! This is why I require you to move to Canberra, to act as a filter for the crazies :P As for that old adage, good god I hope not! I’ve just worked out my budget (once I pay off all my debts) for owning a dog (for the unconditional love) and getting prostitutes (for the bowchickawahwah) for the rest of my life. It actually works out cheaper than getting married and having kids :P

  3. You should ask the waitress out ;)

    • Noooooo… No more dating for me. EVERRRRRRR. Until of course I forget about the whole experience and once again try to sail through the turbid waters of the dating world. But that last date may stay with me for the rest of my life, so no promises. Plus she looked waaaayyy too young.

      • Looks can be deceiving ;)

      • Hahahaha… touche Cas, touche.

        But I am one of those people that at 33, look 22 (which sucks – did you do a post about looking too young for your age, and how that affects work? I thought it was you but I can’t find it on your blog… if it was you, I loved that post btw) so I know that people can look young even though theyre around my age. But I think I’m pretty good at guessing ages myself, so nope, the waitress was a young’un.

  4. Oh no…how awful! Glad you got out of there early!

  5. My word. And yes, ask the waitress out! Blind dates were never a good experience for me. I once had to sneak out to get away from a very creepy guy. One guy wouldn’t get the hint the hint, “No, you cannot come up to my apartment.” Relish your singledom! Relish it!

    • Whats with the waitress?? Why is everyone telling em to ask her out??? *suspicious eyes*

      As for relishing my singledom… not only do I relish it, I’m mustarding it! (you know cause “relish” and “mustard” are both condiments… aaahhh okay it wasn’t that funny… *small voice* im sorry )

      • springfieldfem

        I am in love with mustard. Your joke is safe with me. ;)

      • LOL. Oh no. You got my lame ass joke. There is no hope for you. Welcome to the darkside :)

      • Donna Amis Davis

        Actually it was funny. That’s where you had me laughing out loud. Then I had to read your whole post to husband over here on the right who wondered what was funny. And to quote you: ‘Surely no one is actually like this woman in real life.’

  6. I was so hoping you would get up and end the date, before ordering anything else! Have you had a chance to talk to your friend who set you up on this disaster date?

    • I have had 4 calls from the (now ex)friend (I’m not actually disowning her… maybe) which I have studiously ignored for now. I know she’ll want a play by play and while we were close a couple of years ago, not THAT close now… not to the point where I can bluntly say “that mate of you’re you set me up on. yeah her. she’s a complete and utter nut job”

      But I’ll cave in this week and provide an update since you all seem to love hearing about my disastrous love life :)

  7. Please keep dating!!!

    If for no other reason, to keep providing entertainment like this. I was having a really crappy day and now I can’t stop smiling.

    I don’t think I would have had the guts to stand up and walk out like that.

    • Hahahaha… I probably will.. eventually… once the utter horror of that last date has lost some of its edge. And then you shall all be rewarded with more dating mishaps. But then again I have more than enough stories to keep you guys entertained for quite a while. Remind me to tell you of the time when a date killed a duck.

  8. HAHAHAHAHAHA I love this.

    My last date was bad, but not this bad. I’m impressed you bailed like that. I bet you could get a date with the waitress now ;)

    • Again with the waitress… seriously. Why is everyone keen for me to date her? Is there a petition I’m unaware of? Maybe a facebook page?

      Oh seriously it wasn’t that impressive, I think I should have called her out on her behaviour the second time she acted like a total bitch. That would’ve been the more manly thing to do methinks.

  9. You are one lucky dude. You get all the crazy experiences and adventures.

    My thoughts were along the same lines as Cassie. I expect to hear sometime in the future that you did hook up with the waitress.

    • LOL. Trust me Raf, it doesn’t feel lucky on my end :P But it does make me an entertaining drinking buddy.

      Waitress again… yeesh. You guys have mentioned her so much I’m actually considering it now…. no damn it, NO! No dating!

  10. yep, go back and ask that waitress out. thank goodnes you walked out on that date though, what a cow!

  11. Ahahaha!! I’m sorry you had to deal with her, but thankful for the good story you were able to tell. So funny. What a horrible person.

    • Tell me about it. I was telling the story to another friend of mine, and she refused to believe that it actually happened, because well, we were both of the belief that people like that don’t exist. But apparently they do and are horrifyingly drawn to me… EEP

  12. Good escape – and good on you. I’m not even in customer service industry – but being rude to service people is disgusting. As if you’d want to date that.

    • Exactly my thoughts! I mean, pretty can only take you so far… have some personality, intelligence and a sense of humour to go with it. Then they can join the ranks of human beings again.

  13. Simply fantastic writing.
    I didn’t really think people like Horrific Blind Date Girl existed (outside of the minds of romantic comedies and television shows, that is).

  14. Who knew you’d attract the attention of a 60-something blogger? Your dating rant reminded me so much of the disastrous (yet funny) adventures of my kids in the dating world. You have reached the point (liking being alone) it took me a nasty divorce and several years to reach! Congrats and enjoy life…it really does get better. Of course, alone is a relative thing…my boomerang kids came home to provide me with mountains of material to write about!

  15. Come on young fella, get back on that dating horse and show it who is boss. If you quit now, how else would you have these funny dating mishap blogs to share?

    Good stuff!

  16. Now this should have been “Freshly Pressed!”

    And good luck with the debt. It can be done. I know from experience! Sadly, some bad luck has put me back inline with the rest of the world and I am fighting the battle to be back there once again.

  17. Agree with Steve above – this would have been great for FP. Please tell me this post was at least a little bit fictionalized – otherwise that virago may find you, come thru your computer a la The Ring and take you down.

    I thought all Aussies were nice.?

  18. When I read this man I was in the whole “Single everyone is in a relationship around me” Gloom mood. But this here my good sir cheered me right up! Especially the thought of this as a movie like Titanic I mean who would draw who naked for one XD
    Too bad you never got that iced coffee though, those things are lovely :D XD I just… these writings are just too good haha

  19. Pingback: Save me: No more first dates please! « Straight from NY to Paradise in a Day!!!

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